I echo all of your sentiments, Janine. Thank you for adding your voice to the mix. It's infuriating that these things happen, and continue to happen and that little to none is done to move the needle. I'm sorry that you've suffered at the hands of men. Would that I could wave a magic wand and make it safe for women to walk the streets alone. This is encouraging to see how the predatorial vibe is fading with this next generation.
When I was 16 I went to the funeral of my close friend's mother who died unexpectedly. After the service, all of us girls stood together outside chatting and trying to bring a little comfort to our friend. The church was on a busy street and we got honked at so many times we eventually had to move back inside with the body of her mother. A group of girls, all in black, in front of a church couldn't even get a second of peace. It still makes my blood boiling all these years later.
Michelle, how infuriating. Even as you're huddled together in grief, you're still getting hit on. Do they not read the room? Thank you for sharing this story.
I am at an age where this happens much less, and I am so grateful. But my 20s and 30s were filled with crap like this. Being groped on the subway, a man masterbating while staring at me on a late bus, constant catcalls while walking down the street. It's so unwelcome, it feels unsafe, and it's gross. Thank you for writing about this topic. Women are people, not just bodies to be toyed with. I have hope with the next generations that this type of behavior will fall away. My son is Gen Z and I feel like those kids understand consent and respect much more than the Gen X generation of which I am a part.
These feel all too familiar to me...I feel so angry that we have to continually deal with this type of behavior and really wish we didn't have to worry about it happening all the time. It can take up so much emotional energy, especially when you're trying to come back to a sense of safety after it happens.
I feel you Kelsey. It's exhaustive to move through the world as women, dodging these kind of unwelcome advances. Here's to the kind of world where women can move confidently and freely without watching her back.
Obviously this is not quite the same thing, but I’ve noticed this on Facebook lately. I get notifications on comments I made on things 10 years ago, and it’s always someone presenting as male commenting how beautiful I am and how they’d like to be friends. It’s probably bots because they use almost the same wording, but it’s still annoying. Just wanted to leave a review on a restaurant, dude, get lost!
But yeah, you can’t even comment on a public page anymore without some rando bugging you.
Welcome L, thanks for sharing your story. I notice that in the DMs on Facebook as well. The thought had never occurred to me that they may be bots.
I am reminded of an instance I saw in San Diego recently: my boyfriend and I are walking back to our flat after a nice dinner. A man is hounding this woman who is so shut down and closed off and can't get away from him fast enough. The message she was sending with her words and her body language could not have been more clear. As she fled the scene, we stood on the street corner with his harasser who under his breath is calling her a bitch. As though he hadn't played any role in that uncomfortable encounter.
Way back in my 20s I was complaining about street harassment. Living in Chicago and using the public transit, it happened pretty often, one man pet my hair. I was told by my older coworkers, both men and women, that the attention will stop when I get older and I’ll miss it.
Well, I’m older now and I do not miss it. I enjoy being invisible - it’s a privilege to walk around and not be informed of random men’s boners.
He pet your hair?! Kt, how alarming! As though you're a kitty cat or puppy dog that is asking for attention? YIKES.
I was in Chicago recently for work and got some creepy stares from a man on the platform. It made me feel better knowing that there were other people around, including officers. But who knows how brazen some people are.
I have to say, since becoming a mum, I’m enjoying being less visible, less ‘available’ for the gross male gaze.
This reminded me of a time a male friend of a close male friend (who I loved with) made a move on me, out of nowhere, while my housemate friend had gone upstairs, then the next day when I told him, he DEFENDED the dude! I was shocked and appalled, this was a guy friend who I had considered so respectful of women.
What’s so wild is I don’t think I’ve ever been cat called in Australia, I’ve been here 14 years. It was rife in London and I felt unsafe constantly.
Wow Sarina! How curious that the climate in Australia is different than the one you grew with in London.
Ugh, I feel sickened to hear your story. You would think that your male roommate would be protective of you like a brother would to a sister. Not stand up for douchy behavior. I'm perplexed by this phenomenon. I've seen it in other instances: in the church, women would go to their Bishop / ecclesiastical leader to report that they were being abused by their husband and seek relief. This leader, instead of coming to her aid, would usually say something entirely un-useful like, "Maybe if you got dinner on the table by 6pm..." as though she's doing something to justify his misdemeanors. It's absolutely appalling.
This week I was at a playground that has some workout equipment like pull up bars and such and I got a new version. I was trying to do some quick pull ups when I heard a man tsk tsking me and he walked right up and got in my space, telling me he didn’t think my kid should be in the space.
I was like, there’s no rule for that, I’m doing my pull ups, pls leave me alone.
He persisted. I was like, it’s a public space move on. I’m not tying to talk to you. My kid is safe, she’s not in your space. Move on. Then another guy jumped in too to join the first one.
Finally I told them this is why women can’t work out in peace and went to walked away while my male partner jumped in and had words w them.
But even when I spoke up it still felt shitty like i did something not right. How to respond to these guys??
I'm so glad that you exercised your voice in this moment. To me, it seems like you said exactly what was needed. I don't understand why it wasn't enough to get them to stop haranguing you.
And what is the deal with some other dude coming to support him? Here's to your partner for speaking up for you as well.
I echo all of your sentiments, Janine. Thank you for adding your voice to the mix. It's infuriating that these things happen, and continue to happen and that little to none is done to move the needle. I'm sorry that you've suffered at the hands of men. Would that I could wave a magic wand and make it safe for women to walk the streets alone. This is encouraging to see how the predatorial vibe is fading with this next generation.
When I was 16 I went to the funeral of my close friend's mother who died unexpectedly. After the service, all of us girls stood together outside chatting and trying to bring a little comfort to our friend. The church was on a busy street and we got honked at so many times we eventually had to move back inside with the body of her mother. A group of girls, all in black, in front of a church couldn't even get a second of peace. It still makes my blood boiling all these years later.
Michelle, how infuriating. Even as you're huddled together in grief, you're still getting hit on. Do they not read the room? Thank you for sharing this story.
I am at an age where this happens much less, and I am so grateful. But my 20s and 30s were filled with crap like this. Being groped on the subway, a man masterbating while staring at me on a late bus, constant catcalls while walking down the street. It's so unwelcome, it feels unsafe, and it's gross. Thank you for writing about this topic. Women are people, not just bodies to be toyed with. I have hope with the next generations that this type of behavior will fall away. My son is Gen Z and I feel like those kids understand consent and respect much more than the Gen X generation of which I am a part.
These feel all too familiar to me...I feel so angry that we have to continually deal with this type of behavior and really wish we didn't have to worry about it happening all the time. It can take up so much emotional energy, especially when you're trying to come back to a sense of safety after it happens.
I feel you Kelsey. It's exhaustive to move through the world as women, dodging these kind of unwelcome advances. Here's to the kind of world where women can move confidently and freely without watching her back.
Obviously this is not quite the same thing, but I’ve noticed this on Facebook lately. I get notifications on comments I made on things 10 years ago, and it’s always someone presenting as male commenting how beautiful I am and how they’d like to be friends. It’s probably bots because they use almost the same wording, but it’s still annoying. Just wanted to leave a review on a restaurant, dude, get lost!
But yeah, you can’t even comment on a public page anymore without some rando bugging you.
Welcome L, thanks for sharing your story. I notice that in the DMs on Facebook as well. The thought had never occurred to me that they may be bots.
I am reminded of an instance I saw in San Diego recently: my boyfriend and I are walking back to our flat after a nice dinner. A man is hounding this woman who is so shut down and closed off and can't get away from him fast enough. The message she was sending with her words and her body language could not have been more clear. As she fled the scene, we stood on the street corner with his harasser who under his breath is calling her a bitch. As though he hadn't played any role in that uncomfortable encounter.
Way back in my 20s I was complaining about street harassment. Living in Chicago and using the public transit, it happened pretty often, one man pet my hair. I was told by my older coworkers, both men and women, that the attention will stop when I get older and I’ll miss it.
Well, I’m older now and I do not miss it. I enjoy being invisible - it’s a privilege to walk around and not be informed of random men’s boners.
He pet your hair?! Kt, how alarming! As though you're a kitty cat or puppy dog that is asking for attention? YIKES.
I was in Chicago recently for work and got some creepy stares from a man on the platform. It made me feel better knowing that there were other people around, including officers. But who knows how brazen some people are.
No, we do not miss this attention at all.
Whoa, it never gets less sickening does it?
I have to say, since becoming a mum, I’m enjoying being less visible, less ‘available’ for the gross male gaze.
This reminded me of a time a male friend of a close male friend (who I loved with) made a move on me, out of nowhere, while my housemate friend had gone upstairs, then the next day when I told him, he DEFENDED the dude! I was shocked and appalled, this was a guy friend who I had considered so respectful of women.
What’s so wild is I don’t think I’ve ever been cat called in Australia, I’ve been here 14 years. It was rife in London and I felt unsafe constantly.
Thank you for ALL of this.
‘Has that ever worked on a human?’ Riiiight??!
Wow Sarina! How curious that the climate in Australia is different than the one you grew with in London.
Ugh, I feel sickened to hear your story. You would think that your male roommate would be protective of you like a brother would to a sister. Not stand up for douchy behavior. I'm perplexed by this phenomenon. I've seen it in other instances: in the church, women would go to their Bishop / ecclesiastical leader to report that they were being abused by their husband and seek relief. This leader, instead of coming to her aid, would usually say something entirely un-useful like, "Maybe if you got dinner on the table by 6pm..." as though she's doing something to justify his misdemeanors. It's absolutely appalling.
Thank you for speaking up about this!
This happens to me in gyms allll the time!
This week I was at a playground that has some workout equipment like pull up bars and such and I got a new version. I was trying to do some quick pull ups when I heard a man tsk tsking me and he walked right up and got in my space, telling me he didn’t think my kid should be in the space.
I was like, there’s no rule for that, I’m doing my pull ups, pls leave me alone.
He persisted. I was like, it’s a public space move on. I’m not tying to talk to you. My kid is safe, she’s not in your space. Move on. Then another guy jumped in too to join the first one.
Finally I told them this is why women can’t work out in peace and went to walked away while my male partner jumped in and had words w them.
But even when I spoke up it still felt shitty like i did something not right. How to respond to these guys??
My pleasure, Lane!
I'm so glad that you exercised your voice in this moment. To me, it seems like you said exactly what was needed. I don't understand why it wasn't enough to get them to stop haranguing you.
And what is the deal with some other dude coming to support him? Here's to your partner for speaking up for you as well.
Thx for engaging my personal essay 🧑
It’s dismaying and validating that other women also find there’s no “right” or perfect way to respond where it all works out.
🤷♀️🤷♀️
For sure. Have you ever read "Men Explain Things to Me" by Rebecca Solnit? She coined the term mansplaining and it's a brilliant read.
I wish there were clearer answers. It's hard to know how to respond when there is the threat of violence as well.