Turn Yourself On
For years I outsourced my own eroticism. And didn't even realize it.
Hello love, I’m Sarah, your resident Sex and Style Coach. I’m on a mission to help you feel as good as you look, and look as good as you feel. Welcome.
The Pleasure Collective is one week away! This six-month group coaching container was born out of the question, “Is there more pleasure for me here in this moment?” The simple answer? YESSS. In The Pleasure Collective, you’ll be taken on a sensual embodiment journey to come home to your body, reclaim your desire, and tap your pleasure potential. There are a few spots left in case you feel the call. Registration closes Saturday Jan. 27 and won’t reopen again until Fall 2024.
What turns you on?
Is it the thrill of the tease?
Of dancing on your lover, or being danced upon?
Is it a slow, sensual massage?
Is it the clothes coming off the second you two stumble through the front door?
Is it watching someone in the throes of pleasure, or the tantalizing thought of being watched?
Is it sexting all day and building the erotic charge before a date?
The taboo of getting it on in a public place?
Of being naked in nature?
Of your partner putting the kids to bed and giving you the night off to enjoy a sudsy bubble bath alone?
Or… maybe all of the above? Or perhaps none of it. It may be that sex doesn’t even scratch the top 50 things you think about in a given day.
Everyone’s erotic landscape is varied which makes things interesting. You may not be the kind of person who gets excited seeing feet, or donning a furry animal suit. Or maybe you are.
Have you heard of the Erotic Blueprints™? As seen on Sex, Love, and GOOP, there are five different blueprints: energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter. You can take a free quiz to learn more about what motivates you erotically. Think of it like a sexy Myers-Brigss test for the bedroom: a way to understand your turn-on and what makes you come alive. Pioneered by Jaiya, take this sexy assessment to learn what your erotic blueprint is.
(Exciting news: This year, I join a small cohort of seasoned coaches to become an Erotic Blueprint Coach! Stay tuned for more sexy learning on the blueprints.)
Back in 2017, I had the pleasure of seeing acclaimed psychotherapist Esther Perel interviewed by Dan Savage when she came through Seattle on her State of Affairs book tour. She is famously known for diving into the topic of erotic intelligence.
In her critically acclaimed TED Talk with millions of views, Perel asks us to finish this sentence:
“I turn myself off when—”
I’m self conscious about my body. I was up all night by the baby. Things aren’t going well at work. I feel overwhelmed by my finances.
“I turn myself on when—”
I go out dancing. I make a delicious meal. I float down the river. I indulge in a bubblebath with wine.
Notice how few of these things have to do with sex?
We carry the responsibility of our desire. Why? Because desire is an expression of our free will. Nobody can force us to want. So if it is ours, then it is also our responsibility to activate it. Freedom always comes with responsibility. We can turn ourselves on and we can turn ourselves off. We can have thoughts that will instantly shut us down and thoughts that will keep us open to possibility and curiosity. We can enliven ourselves and we can numb ourselves.
Eroticism blooms from the tension between excitation and inhibition and manifests in the things we say and do, by how we act, and by how we think. We tend to think of eroticism as a sexual state shared by two or more people, but really, it starts with the individual. And it requires practice.
tldr; Baby, it’s on you to light your own fire—whether you’re single, in a situation-ship, a new relationship, or a long term partnership or marriage. You job is to stoke your own flame.
And maybe it feels like the once fiery passion has become a fading ember.
A lot of things can contribute to that: being new parents; medication; infidelity; hormonal changes in the body; aging; loss of a loved one; being laid off. The list could go on.
The flame can be rekindled. See if you can take any pressure off yourself. Remove any expectation of an orgasm. Start with what feels good, slow and small. Follow the thread of your pleasure. Explore all the different areas that feel good. (This piece below talks more erogenous zones.)
If you want a book recommendation, check out The Return of Desire by Gina Ogden.