I love this. It speaks to my frustration. Being married 36 years I’ve never experienced any transcendence. Going down on my wife is a non starter. Most men and I’ll admit in my case cannot make a woman come through intercourse. Foreplay and plenty of it is so important. I wish my wife would allow me to make her cum repeatedly 😣 !!
Peter, welcome to the inner circle! Good to have you here. Thank you for opening up and being vulnerable about your experiences in your marriage. I am celebrating that you've been married for 36 years. I'm curious how transcendence could be infused into your relationship. When you say going down on your wife is a non-starter, do you mean that it isn't her preferred version of foreplay? Or that she isn't open to receiving this from you in general?
For what it's worth, for many years as a sexual being, when I would experience one orgasm, that was enough -- I didn't think about there being more to enjoy. After I was separated and was having sex with other men, there was a desire in them to encourage me to keep cumming that I had never experienced before. Since then, my horizons have been expanded and I've begun to experience this type of transcendence. I wonder what kind of resistance or block may exist in your wife in what you described. Is this something that you two have explored?
Thanks Sarah for the great response and the congratulations on me being married 36 years. When I say going down on her is non starter it is because she’s not open to it. We have grown apart. Often we will drive by a sex toy store and I’ll suggest we go in and have a look to see if we can store things up and get a hard no on that too. We have talked about it and I don’t know if it’s age, or possibly the sedentary lifestyle my wife leads, but we can’t seem to bridge the gap. I’ve often suggested to her how great it would be to orgasm more the once but there is no interest. 36 years being married is a long time Sarah and I am really active and enjoy sex especially foreplay so it leaves me wanting for more. I’m not one to ever give up on anything but I’ve often wondered how much more is out there. I’ve often thought about how great it would be to expand my horizons and with my wife and I know sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it is a big part of it. So when I post a frustrated 😣 emoji it’s because I am. So we are at a point in our relationship where we have to figure things out together or we may have to consider separation.
Yep Sarah when I told her go do whatever that’s exactly what was implied. I’m not sure that’s where she’s at but I do you know she has spent an awful lot of time searching and then messaging old friends she’s been estranged from so I think that’s top of her agenda as well. Like you say little wins need to be celebrated and I’m in much better headspace having finally confronting the elephant that has been in the room. Thank you for your advice as well it’s been really helpful. I’ll keep you updated.
And that's okay if that's not what's up for her right now. It's incredible to hear new energy flowing in a place that has felt stagnant for you. Celebrating your clear headspace as you shift into this new season -- who knows what it will hold for you! Glad to hear that our conversations have been supportive for you. Please do keep me posted.
Hello Sarah I thought I’d just give you a quick update on our conversation. After sitting down and talking to my wife we both came to the conclusion that we are indeed in very different places. During the conversation I told her that maybe it’s time we give each other space to figure things out. She then said she would like to go north to visit family. I said go for it. Take as much time as you need. Go do whatever it is you need to do. Her head kind of snapped back and she says “really” and I replied really. We do not need to be joined at the hip. So it’s a start.
Hi Peter, thank you for the update on how things are going. That sounds like significant progress in your recent conversation with your wife. So in your saying "Go do whatever it is you need to do", did you two agree to making space for new encounters? I can read between the lines that it was implied, though it is an important detail.
When it comes to things like this, celebrating the little wins along the way can really help support a healthy headspace. This is big! Thank you for sharing your news, I was wondering!
There is some sex but it’s not great. I have great interest in what a woman’s needs are. For me foreplay/oral sex is a great aphrodisiac. I have definitely thought about an open relationship that is one of the reasons I’ve suggested time apart. When you say including play parties would that be as a couple? Because she definitely would not consider that. I have thought about broaching the idea of an open relationship but like you say that can be a touchy topic. In a post I read and commented on this morning the writer used the word monogamish to describe her situation. It’s an intriguing idea that would absolutely take the pressure off. It’s certainly complicated Sarah working my way through this. I thank you for taking the time to respond in such detail. This is a great safe place you’ve provided Sarah 🙏 and I would greatly appreciate any more input that you can provide.
That makes sense, based on where you both seem to be. It sounds as though you two have drifted apart: sex is a priority for you, and appears to be less of a priority for her. When it happens, it may be more perfunctory, going through the motions than anything else.
Sexual energy is something that needs cultivating in order to flow. So if you think of her sexual energy as stagnant or even frozen water, it will take a great deal of erotic energy to thaw it. While you have a lot of desire, that still won't be enough. Sex is a two way street, so if she has let interest in this part of her life fall off, then it's no wonder that it isn't a satisfying experience for her -- or you, for that matter.
Certainly, I can respect the delicacy of broaching such polarizing subjects, one that will take a gentleness, curiosity and care.
Yes, Dan Savage has brought monogamish into the zeitgeist for us. The idea of play parties would be for you, not for her. I can't imagine that she would enjoy that experience. The idea of a play party could give you an opportunity to meet people and potentially find someone you'd be interested in playing with. There are a lot of levels to that (and likely more than this, too), from flirting, to snuggling, to making out, to fooling around, to going all the way.
I'm glad that you are getting value here. Thank you for your kind words! It's my pleasure.
The second paragraph makes real sense with respect to our situation. Thanks again Sarah you’ve given some real good insight and perspective to go forward. I’m will keep you posted
Great Peter, I'm glad that this resonates. It's definitely something worth bringing up in conversation together to see if she's willing.
Here's something to have in your back pocket: see whether she may be willing to meet for a session together to explore some of these themes around generating erotic energy. This way we could uncover what blocks might be there and explore supportive ways to clear them.
Peter, thank you for the clarification and your honest share. That's really helpful context. 36 years is indeed a long time! So if I'm hearing you right, it sounds as though there is sex that there is some sex that is being had, though that you are a virile, red-blooded man who is interested in experiencing more sex -- and not just for yourself, but the satisfaction and enjoyment of your lover as well. Does that sound right? And for sure, sex is an integral part of a vibrant romantic relationship.
I can see how you would want to see what else is possible, especially when you're being met with resistance from your wife. In the Erotic Blueprints framework that I'm almost certified in, we talk about how important erotic 'feeding' is in a relationship. Meaning that we have the opportunity to feed ourselves in a pleasure practice context. And in an ideal relationship, we have the opportunity to feed each other.
Considering the consistency in her response, I'm curious whether there is a way for you to negotiate getting your needs met outside of the relationship container. For example, that could look like going to play parties. Or perhaps making space for you to take a lover if it isn't something that she is interested in engaging with at the same level as you. Perhaps that could take the pressure off of her to show up for you sexually if it isn't as high of a need and desire for her. Is this something you two have explored? Of course, having been in a long-term marriage for nearly two decades myself, I recognize that these can be touchy topics to broach.
I have also suggested to her that maybe a short time apart would be good for both of us.
I love this. It speaks to my frustration. Being married 36 years I’ve never experienced any transcendence. Going down on my wife is a non starter. Most men and I’ll admit in my case cannot make a woman come through intercourse. Foreplay and plenty of it is so important. I wish my wife would allow me to make her cum repeatedly 😣 !!
Peter, welcome to the inner circle! Good to have you here. Thank you for opening up and being vulnerable about your experiences in your marriage. I am celebrating that you've been married for 36 years. I'm curious how transcendence could be infused into your relationship. When you say going down on your wife is a non-starter, do you mean that it isn't her preferred version of foreplay? Or that she isn't open to receiving this from you in general?
For what it's worth, for many years as a sexual being, when I would experience one orgasm, that was enough -- I didn't think about there being more to enjoy. After I was separated and was having sex with other men, there was a desire in them to encourage me to keep cumming that I had never experienced before. Since then, my horizons have been expanded and I've begun to experience this type of transcendence. I wonder what kind of resistance or block may exist in your wife in what you described. Is this something that you two have explored?
Thanks Sarah for the great response and the congratulations on me being married 36 years. When I say going down on her is non starter it is because she’s not open to it. We have grown apart. Often we will drive by a sex toy store and I’ll suggest we go in and have a look to see if we can store things up and get a hard no on that too. We have talked about it and I don’t know if it’s age, or possibly the sedentary lifestyle my wife leads, but we can’t seem to bridge the gap. I’ve often suggested to her how great it would be to orgasm more the once but there is no interest. 36 years being married is a long time Sarah and I am really active and enjoy sex especially foreplay so it leaves me wanting for more. I’m not one to ever give up on anything but I’ve often wondered how much more is out there. I’ve often thought about how great it would be to expand my horizons and with my wife and I know sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it is a big part of it. So when I post a frustrated 😣 emoji it’s because I am. So we are at a point in our relationship where we have to figure things out together or we may have to consider separation.
Yep Sarah when I told her go do whatever that’s exactly what was implied. I’m not sure that’s where she’s at but I do you know she has spent an awful lot of time searching and then messaging old friends she’s been estranged from so I think that’s top of her agenda as well. Like you say little wins need to be celebrated and I’m in much better headspace having finally confronting the elephant that has been in the room. Thank you for your advice as well it’s been really helpful. I’ll keep you updated.
And that's okay if that's not what's up for her right now. It's incredible to hear new energy flowing in a place that has felt stagnant for you. Celebrating your clear headspace as you shift into this new season -- who knows what it will hold for you! Glad to hear that our conversations have been supportive for you. Please do keep me posted.
Hello Sarah I thought I’d just give you a quick update on our conversation. After sitting down and talking to my wife we both came to the conclusion that we are indeed in very different places. During the conversation I told her that maybe it’s time we give each other space to figure things out. She then said she would like to go north to visit family. I said go for it. Take as much time as you need. Go do whatever it is you need to do. Her head kind of snapped back and she says “really” and I replied really. We do not need to be joined at the hip. So it’s a start.
Hi Peter, thank you for the update on how things are going. That sounds like significant progress in your recent conversation with your wife. So in your saying "Go do whatever it is you need to do", did you two agree to making space for new encounters? I can read between the lines that it was implied, though it is an important detail.
When it comes to things like this, celebrating the little wins along the way can really help support a healthy headspace. This is big! Thank you for sharing your news, I was wondering!
There is some sex but it’s not great. I have great interest in what a woman’s needs are. For me foreplay/oral sex is a great aphrodisiac. I have definitely thought about an open relationship that is one of the reasons I’ve suggested time apart. When you say including play parties would that be as a couple? Because she definitely would not consider that. I have thought about broaching the idea of an open relationship but like you say that can be a touchy topic. In a post I read and commented on this morning the writer used the word monogamish to describe her situation. It’s an intriguing idea that would absolutely take the pressure off. It’s certainly complicated Sarah working my way through this. I thank you for taking the time to respond in such detail. This is a great safe place you’ve provided Sarah 🙏 and I would greatly appreciate any more input that you can provide.
That makes sense, based on where you both seem to be. It sounds as though you two have drifted apart: sex is a priority for you, and appears to be less of a priority for her. When it happens, it may be more perfunctory, going through the motions than anything else.
Sexual energy is something that needs cultivating in order to flow. So if you think of her sexual energy as stagnant or even frozen water, it will take a great deal of erotic energy to thaw it. While you have a lot of desire, that still won't be enough. Sex is a two way street, so if she has let interest in this part of her life fall off, then it's no wonder that it isn't a satisfying experience for her -- or you, for that matter.
Certainly, I can respect the delicacy of broaching such polarizing subjects, one that will take a gentleness, curiosity and care.
Yes, Dan Savage has brought monogamish into the zeitgeist for us. The idea of play parties would be for you, not for her. I can't imagine that she would enjoy that experience. The idea of a play party could give you an opportunity to meet people and potentially find someone you'd be interested in playing with. There are a lot of levels to that (and likely more than this, too), from flirting, to snuggling, to making out, to fooling around, to going all the way.
I'm glad that you are getting value here. Thank you for your kind words! It's my pleasure.
The second paragraph makes real sense with respect to our situation. Thanks again Sarah you’ve given some real good insight and perspective to go forward. I’m will keep you posted
Great Peter, I'm glad that this resonates. It's definitely something worth bringing up in conversation together to see if she's willing.
Here's something to have in your back pocket: see whether she may be willing to meet for a session together to explore some of these themes around generating erotic energy. This way we could uncover what blocks might be there and explore supportive ways to clear them.
Peter, thank you for the clarification and your honest share. That's really helpful context. 36 years is indeed a long time! So if I'm hearing you right, it sounds as though there is sex that there is some sex that is being had, though that you are a virile, red-blooded man who is interested in experiencing more sex -- and not just for yourself, but the satisfaction and enjoyment of your lover as well. Does that sound right? And for sure, sex is an integral part of a vibrant romantic relationship.
I can see how you would want to see what else is possible, especially when you're being met with resistance from your wife. In the Erotic Blueprints framework that I'm almost certified in, we talk about how important erotic 'feeding' is in a relationship. Meaning that we have the opportunity to feed ourselves in a pleasure practice context. And in an ideal relationship, we have the opportunity to feed each other.
Considering the consistency in her response, I'm curious whether there is a way for you to negotiate getting your needs met outside of the relationship container. For example, that could look like going to play parties. Or perhaps making space for you to take a lover if it isn't something that she is interested in engaging with at the same level as you. Perhaps that could take the pressure off of her to show up for you sexually if it isn't as high of a need and desire for her. Is this something you two have explored? Of course, having been in a long-term marriage for nearly two decades myself, I recognize that these can be touchy topics to broach.