Hustle culture keeps us locked in masculine energy, making it hard to soften and receive. Here’s why surrender feels impossible — and ways to shift into your divine feminine with ease.
Thank you for sharing, Nida! The idea of a post-work nap is sooo juicy, in my mind I have visions of the art piece Flaming June, curled up in her gorgeous gown. Yes to art and dancing! I'm a flamenco dancer which is very structured. I'm craving more free-flowing dance!
The "slow burn" resonated with me - but also what you write about the masking and cycle.
It's good to hear I am not alone with this - I have always worked in male dominated fields and felt like the odd one out.
On the other hand the surrender has become so much easier since I live my life in a lesbian relationship (multiple to be precise) and we can explore and change our polarities. It is still hard for me to let myself fall completely but when it happens, it is so so good.
I have lived half my life with people who wanted me to be "the man" (I'm a trans woman) - so I feel this deeply. "Aligning with my body" is a new experience for me and it is interesting to read that cis women, too, have different levels of this alignment.
Hannah, I'm so pleased that you found resonance here. Truly, you are not alone in this struggle. When I was at my full-time non-profit job, I knew how to show up and do the job, but I felt like a chameleon that was going to be found out.
I love how the lesbian relationships you're in have supported you in the art of surrender. Is it the shifting polarities that helps with this? Is it that no one is the "man" so to speak, so you get to take turns shifting in and out of the yin/yang dance?
Surrender is a practice which doesn't have to be perfect. But when the stars align, hot damn. You just want to take a picture of that feeling and trust you'll know the way back.
I mean there are probably hetero relationships where the roles aren't that clear cut and lesbian relationships with very defined roles. But it helps that there is no script. As a trans woman I have always felt that pressure before transitioning - even in relationships that were pretty progressive.
And now in my relationships I am mostly with people who oscillate between butch and femme energy (for a lack of words - expression and behaviour don't need to align at all).
More explicit Dom/sub settings can also help - I have found a lot of the "not being allowed to surrender" comes from the idea of being too selfish - you have to *give* something, tend to your partners needs... Probably something most women struggle with.
But if you are not *allowed* to (in a playful way) this pressure subsides. And I love to be on both sides of this because it feels like I can give someone the gift of their own surrender.
Thanks for sharing so generously, Hannah, I always appreciate your perspective here.
Yes, that makes so much sense that the Dom/sub context creates a framing that allows surrender. Particularly those in female bodies, the idea of taking and selfishness comes into play a lot, I imagine, since we've been thoroughly trained to be givers -- at all costs.
These power play dynamics can be so deeply healing and empowering. Let's play out the things we crave in a safe container with someone we trust and try things on for size.
I'm really marinating in this comment of yours! "And I love to be on both sides of this because it feels like I can give someone the gift of their own surrender."
Oh, I was referring to the pressure to conform to a certain role in relationships. Like being more active and more dominant.
I sometimes am those things - but now without pressure.
While writing this, I thought about how someone called me their princess as a term of endearment with a connotation of me being something delicate, maybe even in need of protection - but also beautiful and special - and how "my queen" has a totally different vibe - a fantasy people have had of me, too.
And how the same distinction doesn't exist for men. A prince would be expected to rescue and protect, a king is also someone to obey and be submissive to. There is no room for the delicate man.
And even *when* people still thought of me as a man and they wanted to express something along those lines of vulnerability they used terms usually reserved for women or girls.
Our language seems to fall short for expressing vulnerability in men in a positive way.
So this is not something specifically hurting trans women - it's hurting everyone who's not "gender confirming".
It just mixes even worse with dysphoria. As a woman who is recognised as such, it has become much easier for me to explore both sides - strength *and* vulnerability - because I don't associate my strength, my dominance, my guidance with being put in a male frame anymore.
Yes, there is very little room in this world for the very sensitive cock body.
I have neither the privilege nor pleasure to present in the world in any way remotely approaching Fem. I am very clearly a dude.
Yet I bend it.
Earlier in my life I would dress standard masculine: blue jeans, boots, sunglasses, usually a T-shirt underneath a flannel shirt. I did it to blend in. Earlier in my life I was not aware of the powerful pussycat I am.
I got more than a little attention from women and later, men.
Through a series of painful life… Events… My boy beauty was obliterated. From birth to about 15 years old I experienced life as a full on fucking prince. My father was a hotshot trauma surgeon and my mother was associate Director of Nursing at a large hospital in New Orleans. From the very beginning I was surrounded by big cat energy. And not just my parents, my older sister is likewise a big cat. My younger brother is a big cat. So you can probably imagine some of the energetic dynamics in our family. 😼
I was the oldest son and middle child. My sister, two years older than me, was a damn near perfect student in elementary and high school. Damn near every time I entered a new classroom each September I had the “pleasure” of listening to yet another teacher describe in detail to me how fucking brilliant my sister was , that they had never ever had a student as conscientious and smart as Barbara.
My sister‘s brain is wired fundamentally differently than my brain.
She thrived on the structure and challenge and achievement potential of school. She racked up gold stars and straight A’s like it was nothing. I am not like that.
I was the super sensitive child, forever bringing home stray animals in need of care and protection. When any suffering animal needed help, I was there to provide shelter and food and loving attention. Sometimes they thrived and carried on about their wild life and sometimes they died at which point I would dissolve into tears and ask mom and dad if I could stay home from school to recover from the grief. Of course that was never allowed. I had to suck things up all the time and get with the program and stay with the program.
There was nothing atypical about this. In the deep south it is unacceptable for a boy to cry for hours over a dead litter of stray puppies he tried to save.
Fortunately, as previously mentioned, I was preternaturally beautiful. Not in a dramatically Fem way, because I was also clearly masculine: excelling in sports and games of risk. Besides being stunningly pretty I could also beat up the school bully. Nobody fucked with me.
About as princely as a small town southern boy could be.
Wonderful! This is also one of goals now, to be more in tune with my monthly cycle and arrange my activity levels accordingly. I love the comparison of springs, summer, autumn and winter. Thank you!
Such a pleasure to have you here, Maya! Yes, I'm in full support of your goal to be more aligned with your monthly cycle! Anytime I'm planning a big event, or asked to be involved in something significant, I check my Clue app to see where I'll be at in my cycle and then decide accordingly. It's been so liberating.
I wanted to thank you for this. Too often references to the DF are not seen in their archetypal context and create more polarity when they're really an invitation for everyone to find their connection to the archetype--in themselves and in those they travel life with.
"I use terms like Divine Feminine in this piece, and while it sounds gendered, doesn’t refer to gender, but to universal energies we all hold, regardless of your gender identity. "
Thank you, Dana, for bringing the word archetype to the discussion. I see now that this is what I was invoking when speaking of the Divine Feminine -- more archetype than goddess -- and I appreciate how things coalesce around this idea.
Coming from an upbringing in religion, the language of god became so polarizing that it would trigger me every time someone assigned "he" as the pronoun of god. It felt so narrow-minded, so I'm well versed in the kind of walls that could be inadvertently built with this language.
This is so good. It took me a long time to find surrender, I was always trying to control things. Letting go took trust in my partner and trust in myself. I was always the "masculine" in my marriage, but with my current partner, I am allowed to be in my feminine, which is much hotter for me. To be able to let go with someone you trust is like nothing else.
Thank you, Janine, for bringing up the dance between surrender and control. It's funny how we hold on in an effort to control -- almost like we hope that this is how surrender will come -- when it's actually surrendering control that is the liberating part. Will it ever be easy to let go of control? I doubt it.
Your partnership now sounds so delicious! I love that you've been able to access your feminine and surrender here. It's such an act of trust to let go and know they will catch you.
And the award for:…[fumbling with the envelope] —-Goddess who exploded spiritual wisdom into the field at precisely the right time: right smack in the middle of some of the craziest celestial weather imaginable, which some aptly refer to as MARCH MADNESS. Because some significant part of us has to be mad to speak the quiet part out loud.
Great essay! Really resonated with me. I think my transition is to nap after work. But I want to do more art or dancing.
Thank you for sharing, Nida! The idea of a post-work nap is sooo juicy, in my mind I have visions of the art piece Flaming June, curled up in her gorgeous gown. Yes to art and dancing! I'm a flamenco dancer which is very structured. I'm craving more free-flowing dance!
The "slow burn" resonated with me - but also what you write about the masking and cycle.
It's good to hear I am not alone with this - I have always worked in male dominated fields and felt like the odd one out.
On the other hand the surrender has become so much easier since I live my life in a lesbian relationship (multiple to be precise) and we can explore and change our polarities. It is still hard for me to let myself fall completely but when it happens, it is so so good.
I have lived half my life with people who wanted me to be "the man" (I'm a trans woman) - so I feel this deeply. "Aligning with my body" is a new experience for me and it is interesting to read that cis women, too, have different levels of this alignment.
Hannah, I'm so pleased that you found resonance here. Truly, you are not alone in this struggle. When I was at my full-time non-profit job, I knew how to show up and do the job, but I felt like a chameleon that was going to be found out.
I love how the lesbian relationships you're in have supported you in the art of surrender. Is it the shifting polarities that helps with this? Is it that no one is the "man" so to speak, so you get to take turns shifting in and out of the yin/yang dance?
Surrender is a practice which doesn't have to be perfect. But when the stars align, hot damn. You just want to take a picture of that feeling and trust you'll know the way back.
One blessed cock body who groks lesbian love
thank you both for embodying what remains unseen/misunderstood in “Pop” Culture.
I see you. I hear you.
MmmmHmm
I mean there are probably hetero relationships where the roles aren't that clear cut and lesbian relationships with very defined roles. But it helps that there is no script. As a trans woman I have always felt that pressure before transitioning - even in relationships that were pretty progressive.
And now in my relationships I am mostly with people who oscillate between butch and femme energy (for a lack of words - expression and behaviour don't need to align at all).
More explicit Dom/sub settings can also help - I have found a lot of the "not being allowed to surrender" comes from the idea of being too selfish - you have to *give* something, tend to your partners needs... Probably something most women struggle with.
But if you are not *allowed* to (in a playful way) this pressure subsides. And I love to be on both sides of this because it feels like I can give someone the gift of their own surrender.
Thanks for sharing so generously, Hannah, I always appreciate your perspective here.
Yes, that makes so much sense that the Dom/sub context creates a framing that allows surrender. Particularly those in female bodies, the idea of taking and selfishness comes into play a lot, I imagine, since we've been thoroughly trained to be givers -- at all costs.
These power play dynamics can be so deeply healing and empowering. Let's play out the things we crave in a safe container with someone we trust and try things on for size.
I'm really marinating in this comment of yours! "And I love to be on both sides of this because it feels like I can give someone the gift of their own surrender."
“ As a trans woman I have always felt that pressure before transitioning - even in relationships that were pretty progressive”
I’d like to understand more what you mean here.
🙏
Oh, I was referring to the pressure to conform to a certain role in relationships. Like being more active and more dominant.
I sometimes am those things - but now without pressure.
While writing this, I thought about how someone called me their princess as a term of endearment with a connotation of me being something delicate, maybe even in need of protection - but also beautiful and special - and how "my queen" has a totally different vibe - a fantasy people have had of me, too.
And how the same distinction doesn't exist for men. A prince would be expected to rescue and protect, a king is also someone to obey and be submissive to. There is no room for the delicate man.
And even *when* people still thought of me as a man and they wanted to express something along those lines of vulnerability they used terms usually reserved for women or girls.
Our language seems to fall short for expressing vulnerability in men in a positive way.
So this is not something specifically hurting trans women - it's hurting everyone who's not "gender confirming".
It just mixes even worse with dysphoria. As a woman who is recognised as such, it has become much easier for me to explore both sides - strength *and* vulnerability - because I don't associate my strength, my dominance, my guidance with being put in a male frame anymore.
If that makes sense... Gender is really messy 😅
Can't edit - I meant "gender conforming", not "confirming".
You explained that perfectly, thank you.
Yes, there is very little room in this world for the very sensitive cock body.
I have neither the privilege nor pleasure to present in the world in any way remotely approaching Fem. I am very clearly a dude.
Yet I bend it.
Earlier in my life I would dress standard masculine: blue jeans, boots, sunglasses, usually a T-shirt underneath a flannel shirt. I did it to blend in. Earlier in my life I was not aware of the powerful pussycat I am.
I got more than a little attention from women and later, men.
Through a series of painful life… Events… My boy beauty was obliterated. From birth to about 15 years old I experienced life as a full on fucking prince. My father was a hotshot trauma surgeon and my mother was associate Director of Nursing at a large hospital in New Orleans. From the very beginning I was surrounded by big cat energy. And not just my parents, my older sister is likewise a big cat. My younger brother is a big cat. So you can probably imagine some of the energetic dynamics in our family. 😼
I was the oldest son and middle child. My sister, two years older than me, was a damn near perfect student in elementary and high school. Damn near every time I entered a new classroom each September I had the “pleasure” of listening to yet another teacher describe in detail to me how fucking brilliant my sister was , that they had never ever had a student as conscientious and smart as Barbara.
My sister‘s brain is wired fundamentally differently than my brain.
She thrived on the structure and challenge and achievement potential of school. She racked up gold stars and straight A’s like it was nothing. I am not like that.
I was the super sensitive child, forever bringing home stray animals in need of care and protection. When any suffering animal needed help, I was there to provide shelter and food and loving attention. Sometimes they thrived and carried on about their wild life and sometimes they died at which point I would dissolve into tears and ask mom and dad if I could stay home from school to recover from the grief. Of course that was never allowed. I had to suck things up all the time and get with the program and stay with the program.
There was nothing atypical about this. In the deep south it is unacceptable for a boy to cry for hours over a dead litter of stray puppies he tried to save.
Fortunately, as previously mentioned, I was preternaturally beautiful. Not in a dramatically Fem way, because I was also clearly masculine: excelling in sports and games of risk. Besides being stunningly pretty I could also beat up the school bully. Nobody fucked with me.
About as princely as a small town southern boy could be.
Beautiful, and powerful.🔥
Wonderful! This is also one of goals now, to be more in tune with my monthly cycle and arrange my activity levels accordingly. I love the comparison of springs, summer, autumn and winter. Thank you!
Such a pleasure to have you here, Maya! Yes, I'm in full support of your goal to be more aligned with your monthly cycle! Anytime I'm planning a big event, or asked to be involved in something significant, I check my Clue app to see where I'll be at in my cycle and then decide accordingly. It's been so liberating.
Thank you. I am just starting now! I will be following with interest.
So excited for you to embark on this journey of syncing your cycles with your life!
Great article. Puts a lot in context!
I wanted to thank you for this. Too often references to the DF are not seen in their archetypal context and create more polarity when they're really an invitation for everyone to find their connection to the archetype--in themselves and in those they travel life with.
"I use terms like Divine Feminine in this piece, and while it sounds gendered, doesn’t refer to gender, but to universal energies we all hold, regardless of your gender identity. "
Thank you, Dana, for bringing the word archetype to the discussion. I see now that this is what I was invoking when speaking of the Divine Feminine -- more archetype than goddess -- and I appreciate how things coalesce around this idea.
Coming from an upbringing in religion, the language of god became so polarizing that it would trigger me every time someone assigned "he" as the pronoun of god. It felt so narrow-minded, so I'm well versed in the kind of walls that could be inadvertently built with this language.
This is so good. It took me a long time to find surrender, I was always trying to control things. Letting go took trust in my partner and trust in myself. I was always the "masculine" in my marriage, but with my current partner, I am allowed to be in my feminine, which is much hotter for me. To be able to let go with someone you trust is like nothing else.
Thank you, Janine, for bringing up the dance between surrender and control. It's funny how we hold on in an effort to control -- almost like we hope that this is how surrender will come -- when it's actually surrendering control that is the liberating part. Will it ever be easy to let go of control? I doubt it.
Your partnership now sounds so delicious! I love that you've been able to access your feminine and surrender here. It's such an act of trust to let go and know they will catch you.
I do art projects or yoga to relax and feel like a woman again.
Such ideal avenues back to the feminine flow! Flow is so deeply woven through both of those modalities! Thank you for being here, Amy.
And the award for:…[fumbling with the envelope] —-Goddess who exploded spiritual wisdom into the field at precisely the right time: right smack in the middle of some of the craziest celestial weather imaginable, which some aptly refer to as MARCH MADNESS. Because some significant part of us has to be mad to speak the quiet part out loud.
🫡🫡
I'm so honored by your words, Rich! I'm not blushing, you're blushing! This is the medicine. And we are walking what we talk.
We sure the fuck are.
🤠
🎵We got spurs, they’re jingle jangle jinglin…🎶
Your whole composition is one big mic drop
Thank you so much! The message from the muse was so clear!
Who’s the muse here?!
My writing output has tripled over the last couple of moonshines.