7 Ways to Heat Up Your Solo Pleasure Practice 🔥
Use your other hand and thank me later.
Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist and Somatic Sex Coach Sarah Ward. This is intended as general advice. If you’d like a personalized guidance, I’d be honored to connect in a discovery session.
Did you know that there’s a whole month dedicated to masturbation? Welcome to Masturbation May! Considering the ways that self-pleasure has been vilified over the years, this is something worth celebrating!
Exhibit A: John Harvey Kellogg, founder of Kellogg’s cereal, was a doctor adamantly against the practice of masturbation, considering it the root of all evil. He believed that if he could create a diet that was bland enough, that it would prevent lustful urges from surging. And Kelloggs was born.
Luckily for us, we now know that touching our own bodies is normal, healthy and can even be deeply healing.
If you’ve been here for a minute, you may know that I’m not a huge fan of the word masturbation. It can conjure images of zoning out in front of a screen, watching strangers have sex — escaping rather than connecting.
I prefer the term pleasure practice, since it alludes to cultivating pleasure with presence, intention and ritual. It’s a way to tune in rather than out.
I was recently interviewed by the heart-driven
on The Men’s Mysteries podcast. We talked about pleasure practices and how it can help you be a better lover – to yourself, and to another. Listen in! 🎧
In my line of work, since I get a glimpse into people’s intimate lives, I hear how a pleasure practice can start to feel, well, stale. Maybe it feels goal-oriented, with the focus on trying to cross the finish line, or using this release as a sleeping pill. Believe me, I’ve been there, too.
The relationship you have with yourself is the longest, most important relationship you’ll ever have.
And if you can stay curious about yourself and your pleasure, that curiosity can ripple into your relationships with others.
Because how we do one thing is how we do everything — and that includes how we touch ourselves.
So if your solo sex life could use a little extra spice, let’s explore ways to turn up the heat.
1.
Use your non-dominant hand.
If you’re a righty, try your left instead — and vice versa. Your non-dominant hand will feel different — the angles, the pressure, even the rhythm may surprise you.
It can feel like being touched by a new lover.
2.
Use a mirror.
Penis owners grow up being able to see their genitals prominently displayed. When it comes to vulva owners, our pleasure centers are tucked away neatly, unless we go looking for them intentionally.
During a pleasure practice, use a hand mirror or stroke yourself in front of a full-length mirror where you can see your face and body respond.
Notice the subtle shifts: the flush of your skin, the swell of your vulva, the way your breath changes, how the hue of your vulva deepens. Watch yourself tremble. See the expression play across your face.
Take it all in like a lover.
3.
Change positions.
Do you often touch yourself lying down? Try kneeling. Crouching on the bed. Lying on your stomach. Propped up on a pillow. Standing up.
Changing your position can create new angles, sensations, and access points for pleasure.
4.
Get turned on in new places.
Try touching yourself in the bathtub. The laundry room. The car. The patio at dusk. Your favorite hidden hiking trail.
There’s something primal about claiming space for your pleasure — especially in places where you’ve never felt turned on before.
5.
Add a toy — or two!
For vulva owners, try a glass dildo or a crystal egg. The vagina appreciates the weight of glass toys.
Even if you’re in a committed relationship with your vibrator, try to bench your buzzing boyfriend for a bit and see what happens.
Penis owners, try a cock ring, a silicone sleeve or a beginner-friendly butt plug to open up new sensations.
6.
Don’t skip the lube!
Repeat after me: spit ≠ lube.
Hot tip: The clitoris doesn’t produce lubrication. So when we talk about lubrication, it isn’t necessarily for the vaginal canal (although that can be delightful, too!), it’s can help reduce friction when stroking the clitoris.
In a study of 1500 women from 18 to their 90s, 96% of them said that lubrication made sex more pleasurable and more likely to orgasm. So lube it up!
Water-based lube:
Pros: Closest to natural feel, safe with all condoms and toys, easy to clean up.
Cons: Dries out faster than silicone, may need reapplying.
Silicone lube:
Pros: Very slick, long-lasting, ideal for anal or water play.
Cons: Can degrade some silicone toys — especially if they’re made of lower-grade silicone. With high-quality, medical-grade silicone toys, it might be fine, but better safe than sorry.
7.
Tune into your sensations.
It’s easy to get caught up in fantasy or visuals in porn, though this can detach us from our own felt sense reality. Try to slow down. Feel the temperature of the lube. The rhythm of your breath. Tune into the speed of your beating heart.
Instead of racing toward orgasm, enjoy the journey. Let yourself feel more.
Your pleasure is a living, breathing thing. It wants to evolve with you. The more you cultivate a relationship with your pleasure, bringing your curiosity, reverence and play, the more it can begin to reveal itself.
This Masturbation May, instead of seeing your solo practice as another way to blow off steam, let’s change the narrative. You pleasure practice can be a path to deepen your erotic intelligence and your ability to feel even more spine-tingling pleasure.
Here’s to lighting your own fire, lovers. 🔥
I’d love to hear from you! What keeps your pleasure practice fresh?
Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist, Somatic Sex and Style Coach, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and minted it in 2021, certifying in the VITA™ Methodology with Layla Martin, and as an Erotic Blueprints™ Coach with Jaiya. For a personalized path to pleasure, schedule a free call with Sarah.
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