"For most of my life I've struggled to feel authentic and legitimate about my sexuality. I've always felt turned on about the same sex, fantasies, seeing men who are gorgeous. However I've never felt legitimate or authentic in my bisexuality, or feel confident calling myself that because I've never felt any desire to actually have real life sex with the same sex. I have been in swinging scenes and different scenarios and it's just never been a thing for me. I know the actual act of sex is not the definition, but within me and also to the outside world because I've never felt a very legitimate bisexual because of that. I'm not sure if there is a full question but maybe how do I feel more authentic and legitimate in my sexuality. I mean I've even wondered if I am bisexual because of that."
This is such a thoughtful musing and I appreciate your willingness to bring it forward. Your sexuality is uniquely yours, as personal as a fingerprint, and there's no right or wrong way to express it. Sexuality isn't just what you do, but how you feel.
Sexuality is a spectrum that can be fluid and evolve over time, depending on the seasons of our lives. The Kinsey Scale was developed in 1948 (which was groundbreaking at the time), and on it, a person can be ranked from from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual). It helps to see that there is a range of straightness to homosexuality -- many of us aren't so binary, and likely to fall somewhere in the middle. (Note: The Kinsey Scale is imperfect, and has some limitations.)
It sounds like you're a self-aware human who also has put yourself into contexts where you could act on these feelings, if you felt so inspired. It may be that you appreciate gorgeous men, and feel turned on by same sex play and fantasies, without a desire to act on this. If we were to poll a random assortment of people, I would guarantee that many people find themselves in a similar place to you -- turned on by the same sex, but not necessarily interested in crossing over into making those fantasies a reality. Sometimes we can have fantasies that we want to enact. And sometimes a fantasy is a sexy thought exercise.
It's okay to own your feelings. It's okay not to feel like you fit in any particular box. The human experience is messy, and while it would be nice for everything to fit neatly into a box, that's just not the way it is always goes. And maybe in some distant future, you find yourself inclined to act. And maybe you won't. Regardless, you are the sovereign of your sexual experience. This is your domain, and you get to share it with whoever you desire to invite into it.
Could you offer advice about how to respectfully ask a female friend if she would be interested in pursuing a more intimate dating relationship without the conversation sabotaging the friendship if she is not interested in it being more than that?
Hi John, this is a great question. Be respectful, direct, and prepared for potential fallout.
I would suggest something to the effect of…
“Hey, there’s something I’ve been wanting to say for a while. I’m not sure how to say it because I’ve been worried about what this could to our friendship, which really matters to me. So here goes… I’m really attracted to you. And I want to propose being friends with benefits. Is that something you would be available for? You don’t have to have an answer right away.”
Bringing this up will inevitably shift something in the dynamic between you -- whether that's becoming lovers, or for things to get a little awkward.
Here’s the thing to think about though… with fuck buddies, it’s best to have clear boundaries: no snuggling, no hanging out, since then that crosses over into dating territory. But that kind of activity/hanging out likely would cross over into what you probably enjoy in your friendship. It could start to blur the lines.
It’s a risk, and there may be reward… but maybe not. Be prepared for things to shift. And if the friendship isn’t something you’re willing to part with, you may want to explore your options elsewhere. Wishing you luck!
Hello Desiree, thanks for chiming in! That's a great question about yoni massage and advice in searching out providers. Here's some things to consider:
- Training and Certification. Look for people who have a formal background in bodywork or tantra, with a specific focus in yoni massage or sacred sexuality. If you're hoping for some sort of energetic release, you may want to look for someone who has energy work experience.
- I would recommend looking for someone with clear boundaries and a high standard of ethics!
- Safety is paramount for this type of practice with ongoing discussions around consent. Ultimately it comes down to your own comfort level so you may want to hop on a discovery / zoom call with a prospective practitioners to see if you vibe.
When it comes to yoni massage, there is of course a degree of risk in working with practitioners in this intimate space. So you may consider if it's worth the risk. You'll know what is right for you!
As far as the seasons go with color in personal style, I have found the concept of seasons to be useful, although somewhat limiting. My philosophy is that anyone can wear whatever color they want -- even for risky colors like neon -- as long as they combine it with some of their personal colors.
Is it possible that more men than women are paid subscribers to your page? I noticed that only paid subscribers are allowed to DM you privately. Non-paying subscribers would have to ask their questions in the comments, which doesn't allow for anonymity.
Hi Susanna, that's certainly a possibility. Good observation, I did have a setting where only paid subscribers could DM me, however I get DMs requests frequently from regular subscribers. So if you have a question you don't feel comfortable asking here, feel free to send it in privately.
"I exited repressive religion about five years ago at almost 50. I've been on an intensive healing journey since then, with an emphasis on somatic and sexual wholeness.
I didn't orgasm until 47, and it's always taken me a very long time. It takes me at least 30 min to orgasm, even solo. It can take more than an hour when with a partner, with intense focus and sensory input. When I’m with a lover, I feel evaluated, and I tend to go back out of my body and police myself to ensure I’m acceptable.
I've been like this for six years. I've largely accepted it, but if there was something I could practice that would help shorten my arousal to orgasm time, I would do it.
How do I know when an issue is trauma-related and able to be addressed, and when it's just how I am?"
In your share, I hear that you’ve been a safe and thoughtful steward of your body. It sounds like you are very self-aware and deeply invested in your pleasure — even if it took until age 47 to orgasm. All of the steps that you’ve taken to be a safe space for your animal body have been an investment in you and your soma.
I can understand how there is a piece of self-abandonment that seems to happen when with a lover. This is the experience of many women, unfortunately, when we get into our heads.
What you may already be aware of, is that it generally takes the average woman/vulva owner about 45 minutes to reach full engorgement in their genitals. This engorgement is required in order to reach orgasm. So the timelines you’re sharing seem fairly consistent with that. For what it’s worth, it takes longer for me to orgasm with a partner, than when I am in a self pleasure session as well.
Is there a piece of you that can continue to extend acceptance to this part of you that takes the time that she takes to orgasm? It sounds simple, but this acceptance piece can extend more psychological safety internally. And we know how safety is paramount for sex.
One of the belief systems that I operate from is that we are whole, healed and complete as we are. And — it’s an unsafe planet, especially for female bodies. And — none of us get through unscathed without some trauma. We each have our customized traumas, and all we can do is the best we can. And that’s exactly what it sounds like you’re doing. I hope this lands well with you.
“what are like HORRIBLE mistakes first timers should avoid? I know foreplay is really important and how women want pleasure is different for women than with men.”
Thanks for your curiosity! It sounds like you are a male seeking advice on how to be in a sexual context with a woman and wanting to understand some things to avoid. Every human on the planet is different in how they like to show up erotically. So I will give a few thoughts on things to consider when you’re with a woman, though I would provide the caveat that your next lover may have different desires. That’s something to tease out together!
Instead of talking about mistakes necessarily, I framed this as things to do the next time you're with a lover:
1. Have open conversations about intimacy, desire and sex -- preferably before clothes are coming off: are they interested in a sexual relationship; what does sex mean when they have it; do they want to be in a committed relationship to have it; talk about STI history; protected sex, etc. Some people don’t like to kiss on the first date. Some people have sex on the first date. This varies from person to person.
2. Have consent conversations. Many of us didn’t learn about consent around sex, so I would check in often. It can be as simple as, “Can I kiss you? Does this feel good? Are you open to this type of touch?” Consent is something that can be revoked at any time by anyone involved, so honoring people’s boundaries is important.
3. Take it slow. Generally, women like to have more foreplay (kissing, touching, etc.) before they want to move into genital touch or stimulation. I purposefully didn’t say “sex” since penetrative 'p in v' (penis in vagina) sex is only one type of sex. Oral sex and outercourse can also be considered sex, although some men may think of this as foreplay, or something to get to penetration.
4. When you’re intimate, check in. "How's the speed, would you like me to go faster or slower? More pressure, less pressure?" Every body is different, and something that may have worked for one lover won’t necessarily translate to another body.
Hope this helps you to enjoy yourself and facilitate an environment where your lover can enjoy themselves, too.
“I was raised and absorbed all of the repressive perspectives of religious traditions that considered sensual and erotic matters sinful, and in an Irish American family and surrounding culture that pushed sexuality into the shadows. Consequently, my own sense of sexuality and sensuality is stifled. It is still hard for me to discern what is healthy and what is not (in terms of watching or reading erotica) as it is hard to get away from feeling I am doing a bad thing. How to express my own sense of desire and sexual expression, and practicing sacred sexuality and translating my own inner beliefs into a lived experience. I hope this makes sense. Thank you.”
I hear that way you grew up included a lot of repressive religious traditions that stifled your sensual and sexual development. I find it really relevant how you worded this, how this culture pushed your sexuality into the shadows. As a result, you find yourself as an adult trying to discern between what is healthy and how to express yourself as a sensual and sexual being in a way that feels good and shame free.
This absolutely makes sense. Religion is a tricky minx where it can cause us to question our own inner authority, since an external set of morality decided what was or was not appropriate for us during formative years. There’s a lot of room for self expression in the erotic space. Consent is something that matters — whether you’re exploring your sexuality solo, or with a partner(s).
When we leave religions, they don’t necessarily leave us. All of that formative education that made you believe that sexuality was dirty, wrong, shameful, etc, still exists inside of you — even though these beliefs aren’t serving you anymore. One thing that I might encourage you to do is see if you can slow this experience down when you feel a sense of feeling bad when you’re watching or reading something erotic. See if you can pause whatever you’re doing and just get curious about whatever is coming up for you. Listen for what you hear. For example, you may hear a voice shaming you for [behavior] which you may then realize sounds a lot like [someone you confessed to / a parent, etc.]. Ultimately these parts of us are often trying to protect us, and when we ignore or try to quiet them, they may get louder.
When we can notice the tape that’s running in the background, without judging it, or feeling like there’s something wrong with us, this can go a long way towards healing. If you’d ever like to unpack this further, you may want to sit down with a practitioner who is familiar with parts work / religious trauma / somatic experiencing to be able to go deeper into that (this is part of my process with clients). What you’re experiencing is totally normal and a part of the process of becoming a sovereign sexual being. Thank you for being here.
“I’ve come to the conclusion that organized religion has let us down! It left me behind. I’m spiritual, but no longer religious! You?”
I’m sorry that you felt let down by organized religion. Similarly, I don’t profess to be religious, though am deeply spiritual. My spirituality is woven into my embodiment practices. A tantric philosophy that I believe is that we are all an embodiment of the divine. (Not unlike what some religions teach as well). My body is a portal, a connection to the divine.
One thing that Osho taught is that tantra is the religion of the body, which I resonate with -- even though I observe it in a different way than the religion I was raised with.
“I saw from your areas of expertise that you can speak to getting past religious impacts on one's sexuality. How does one start identifying those issues and what do we do about them? I grew up Catholic and thought after 25 years with my wife that I was over it; she thinks I still have a lot of shame. So how does one begin exploring that aspect of my sexuality?”
Thank you for your question. I hear that the you were brought up in the Catholic Church, and that your wife has noticed some lingering shame, even 25 years later. Religion can lay down deep roots within our psyches. Especially when it comes to limiting beliefs, there may be things that aren’t serving you that are running in the background, without you even being aware of it.
Since you have a mirror in your wife, I wonder if she might be willing to reflect some of that back to you. Perhaps you could sit down together and explore gently how she sees this shame manifest in your sexuality. As a cautionary note, it may be hard to hear, so just approach it with an open heart. Since sex is so nuanced, I have a hunch that it may feel risky for her to bring this to you, so this is a place to tend lovingly together.
On your own, you may start a personal inventory, reflecting back on your sexual experiences over the years and seeing if you can tease out any shame or resistance. See if you can find a consent sheet (also known as yes / no / maybe worksheet) that you can fill out. This will generally look like a list of sexual activities that people may be interested in engaging with, and then categorizing them as yes / no or maybe (Sidebar: these are great for doing with lovers and then seeing the things you are both yes's to and using it as a menu of things to explore). Having these activities laid out so clearly on the page may be able to prompt or trigger some of this shame that she is noticing in you. Go gently, no need to do move forcefully through this.
"Hello! I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read from you. I think you’re doing great work.
I’ve had a tenuous relationship with sex, which stems from a repressive religious upbringing, but as I’ve come further along my healing journey, I’ve felt more and more liberated. After having a recent spiritual awakening/evolution, I know that my purpose in life is to help others heal. It’s no surprise to me, but I’ve never had such surety. I’ve been thinking about what direction I want to go with my healing practice. I plan to study and practice reiki, and I’m thinking about becoming a psychotherapist. But, I’m extremely drawn to sexual/erotic healing. But, I have some concerns about being a man in this space. I’m a big softie, and I try to move through the world with love, light, and respect; but I don’t know how I’d be received. I’d like some guidance on where to begin to deepen my understanding of the fields you work in, and what I could expect as a man working in them. Thank you very much."
Our repressive religious upbringings definitely give us lots of cobwebs to clear out as adults. Glad to hear that you’ve found liberation in your healing journey. Reiki is such a powerful healing modality (I have my Reiki I and II, and can personally attest to the energetic component).
Being in this space, there are many men that are practitioners as well. As a female, I'm often inclined to work with other females in the therapeutic healing spaces (particularly around the erotic), though I have hired male therapists. Granted, this is one perspective. You could start to poll the women in your life to see what their comfort level would be like. Or, you would focus on being a practitioner that works only with men, or works with couples. Not being a man myself in this space, I may not be able to give you a sense of what to expect since it isn't in my lived experience. I would recommend seeking out men in the field who may be willing to share. You may want to look up Jeremiah from Sexvangelicals who writes on Substack.
Since I'm not sure where you're at in your journey, reading books and listening to podcasts are a good place to start as you’re deliberating next steps. I would recommend to start researching different schools or lineages that you feel called to — which is different for everyone. Cam Fraser offers a men’s sex coach certification that he runs out of Australia that is very well respected, I have a few peers who have studied with him. Wishing you well.
Here's a question from the DMs: "So what made you become that?"
I actually never set out to become someone who works in this space. After growing up in a sexually repressed religion for my formative years, I went through a process of my own liberation: investing in coaching, therapy, embodiment, and courses to reclaim my personal sovereignty. Then at a certain point, when it was time to reevaluate my career trajectory, I decided to pivot into the healing field and become a practitioner / facilitator, to hold space for people through their own transformation.
Here's an anonymous question from the DMs:
"For most of my life I've struggled to feel authentic and legitimate about my sexuality. I've always felt turned on about the same sex, fantasies, seeing men who are gorgeous. However I've never felt legitimate or authentic in my bisexuality, or feel confident calling myself that because I've never felt any desire to actually have real life sex with the same sex. I have been in swinging scenes and different scenarios and it's just never been a thing for me. I know the actual act of sex is not the definition, but within me and also to the outside world because I've never felt a very legitimate bisexual because of that. I'm not sure if there is a full question but maybe how do I feel more authentic and legitimate in my sexuality. I mean I've even wondered if I am bisexual because of that."
This is such a thoughtful musing and I appreciate your willingness to bring it forward. Your sexuality is uniquely yours, as personal as a fingerprint, and there's no right or wrong way to express it. Sexuality isn't just what you do, but how you feel.
Sexuality is a spectrum that can be fluid and evolve over time, depending on the seasons of our lives. The Kinsey Scale was developed in 1948 (which was groundbreaking at the time), and on it, a person can be ranked from from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual). It helps to see that there is a range of straightness to homosexuality -- many of us aren't so binary, and likely to fall somewhere in the middle. (Note: The Kinsey Scale is imperfect, and has some limitations.)
It sounds like you're a self-aware human who also has put yourself into contexts where you could act on these feelings, if you felt so inspired. It may be that you appreciate gorgeous men, and feel turned on by same sex play and fantasies, without a desire to act on this. If we were to poll a random assortment of people, I would guarantee that many people find themselves in a similar place to you -- turned on by the same sex, but not necessarily interested in crossing over into making those fantasies a reality. Sometimes we can have fantasies that we want to enact. And sometimes a fantasy is a sexy thought exercise.
It's okay to own your feelings. It's okay not to feel like you fit in any particular box. The human experience is messy, and while it would be nice for everything to fit neatly into a box, that's just not the way it is always goes. And maybe in some distant future, you find yourself inclined to act. And maybe you won't. Regardless, you are the sovereign of your sexual experience. This is your domain, and you get to share it with whoever you desire to invite into it.
Could you offer advice about how to respectfully ask a female friend if she would be interested in pursuing a more intimate dating relationship without the conversation sabotaging the friendship if she is not interested in it being more than that?
Hi John, this is a great question. Be respectful, direct, and prepared for potential fallout.
I would suggest something to the effect of…
“Hey, there’s something I’ve been wanting to say for a while. I’m not sure how to say it because I’ve been worried about what this could to our friendship, which really matters to me. So here goes… I’m really attracted to you. And I want to propose being friends with benefits. Is that something you would be available for? You don’t have to have an answer right away.”
Bringing this up will inevitably shift something in the dynamic between you -- whether that's becoming lovers, or for things to get a little awkward.
Here’s the thing to think about though… with fuck buddies, it’s best to have clear boundaries: no snuggling, no hanging out, since then that crosses over into dating territory. But that kind of activity/hanging out likely would cross over into what you probably enjoy in your friendship. It could start to blur the lines.
It’s a risk, and there may be reward… but maybe not. Be prepared for things to shift. And if the friendship isn’t something you’re willing to part with, you may want to explore your options elsewhere. Wishing you luck!
Okay, Sarah, I just saw you posted this on Notes three hours ago, so hope it's still going on (and I'm a woman!)
Two questions:
I'm very interested in yoni massage. What should I look for when researching providers?
In regard to style, I've guessed that I'm a winter. I have pics all over my Substack. Would you agree?
Thank you. ☺️
Hello Desiree, thanks for chiming in! That's a great question about yoni massage and advice in searching out providers. Here's some things to consider:
- Training and Certification. Look for people who have a formal background in bodywork or tantra, with a specific focus in yoni massage or sacred sexuality. If you're hoping for some sort of energetic release, you may want to look for someone who has energy work experience.
- I would recommend looking for someone with clear boundaries and a high standard of ethics!
- Safety is paramount for this type of practice with ongoing discussions around consent. Ultimately it comes down to your own comfort level so you may want to hop on a discovery / zoom call with a prospective practitioners to see if you vibe.
When it comes to yoni massage, there is of course a degree of risk in working with practitioners in this intimate space. So you may consider if it's worth the risk. You'll know what is right for you!
As far as the seasons go with color in personal style, I have found the concept of seasons to be useful, although somewhat limiting. My philosophy is that anyone can wear whatever color they want -- even for risky colors like neon -- as long as they combine it with some of their personal colors.
Is it possible that more men than women are paid subscribers to your page? I noticed that only paid subscribers are allowed to DM you privately. Non-paying subscribers would have to ask their questions in the comments, which doesn't allow for anonymity.
Hi Susanna, that's certainly a possibility. Good observation, I did have a setting where only paid subscribers could DM me, however I get DMs requests frequently from regular subscribers. So if you have a question you don't feel comfortable asking here, feel free to send it in privately.
Thank you!
Here's an anonymous DM:
"I exited repressive religion about five years ago at almost 50. I've been on an intensive healing journey since then, with an emphasis on somatic and sexual wholeness.
I didn't orgasm until 47, and it's always taken me a very long time. It takes me at least 30 min to orgasm, even solo. It can take more than an hour when with a partner, with intense focus and sensory input. When I’m with a lover, I feel evaluated, and I tend to go back out of my body and police myself to ensure I’m acceptable.
I've been like this for six years. I've largely accepted it, but if there was something I could practice that would help shorten my arousal to orgasm time, I would do it.
How do I know when an issue is trauma-related and able to be addressed, and when it's just how I am?"
In your share, I hear that you’ve been a safe and thoughtful steward of your body. It sounds like you are very self-aware and deeply invested in your pleasure — even if it took until age 47 to orgasm. All of the steps that you’ve taken to be a safe space for your animal body have been an investment in you and your soma.
I can understand how there is a piece of self-abandonment that seems to happen when with a lover. This is the experience of many women, unfortunately, when we get into our heads.
What you may already be aware of, is that it generally takes the average woman/vulva owner about 45 minutes to reach full engorgement in their genitals. This engorgement is required in order to reach orgasm. So the timelines you’re sharing seem fairly consistent with that. For what it’s worth, it takes longer for me to orgasm with a partner, than when I am in a self pleasure session as well.
Is there a piece of you that can continue to extend acceptance to this part of you that takes the time that she takes to orgasm? It sounds simple, but this acceptance piece can extend more psychological safety internally. And we know how safety is paramount for sex.
One of the belief systems that I operate from is that we are whole, healed and complete as we are. And — it’s an unsafe planet, especially for female bodies. And — none of us get through unscathed without some trauma. We each have our customized traumas, and all we can do is the best we can. And that’s exactly what it sounds like you’re doing. I hope this lands well with you.
An anonymous question from the DMs:
“what are like HORRIBLE mistakes first timers should avoid? I know foreplay is really important and how women want pleasure is different for women than with men.”
Thanks for your curiosity! It sounds like you are a male seeking advice on how to be in a sexual context with a woman and wanting to understand some things to avoid. Every human on the planet is different in how they like to show up erotically. So I will give a few thoughts on things to consider when you’re with a woman, though I would provide the caveat that your next lover may have different desires. That’s something to tease out together!
Instead of talking about mistakes necessarily, I framed this as things to do the next time you're with a lover:
1. Have open conversations about intimacy, desire and sex -- preferably before clothes are coming off: are they interested in a sexual relationship; what does sex mean when they have it; do they want to be in a committed relationship to have it; talk about STI history; protected sex, etc. Some people don’t like to kiss on the first date. Some people have sex on the first date. This varies from person to person.
2. Have consent conversations. Many of us didn’t learn about consent around sex, so I would check in often. It can be as simple as, “Can I kiss you? Does this feel good? Are you open to this type of touch?” Consent is something that can be revoked at any time by anyone involved, so honoring people’s boundaries is important.
3. Take it slow. Generally, women like to have more foreplay (kissing, touching, etc.) before they want to move into genital touch or stimulation. I purposefully didn’t say “sex” since penetrative 'p in v' (penis in vagina) sex is only one type of sex. Oral sex and outercourse can also be considered sex, although some men may think of this as foreplay, or something to get to penetration.
4. When you’re intimate, check in. "How's the speed, would you like me to go faster or slower? More pressure, less pressure?" Every body is different, and something that may have worked for one lover won’t necessarily translate to another body.
Hope this helps you to enjoy yourself and facilitate an environment where your lover can enjoy themselves, too.
Here's an anonymous question from the DMs:
“I was raised and absorbed all of the repressive perspectives of religious traditions that considered sensual and erotic matters sinful, and in an Irish American family and surrounding culture that pushed sexuality into the shadows. Consequently, my own sense of sexuality and sensuality is stifled. It is still hard for me to discern what is healthy and what is not (in terms of watching or reading erotica) as it is hard to get away from feeling I am doing a bad thing. How to express my own sense of desire and sexual expression, and practicing sacred sexuality and translating my own inner beliefs into a lived experience. I hope this makes sense. Thank you.”
I hear that way you grew up included a lot of repressive religious traditions that stifled your sensual and sexual development. I find it really relevant how you worded this, how this culture pushed your sexuality into the shadows. As a result, you find yourself as an adult trying to discern between what is healthy and how to express yourself as a sensual and sexual being in a way that feels good and shame free.
This absolutely makes sense. Religion is a tricky minx where it can cause us to question our own inner authority, since an external set of morality decided what was or was not appropriate for us during formative years. There’s a lot of room for self expression in the erotic space. Consent is something that matters — whether you’re exploring your sexuality solo, or with a partner(s).
When we leave religions, they don’t necessarily leave us. All of that formative education that made you believe that sexuality was dirty, wrong, shameful, etc, still exists inside of you — even though these beliefs aren’t serving you anymore. One thing that I might encourage you to do is see if you can slow this experience down when you feel a sense of feeling bad when you’re watching or reading something erotic. See if you can pause whatever you’re doing and just get curious about whatever is coming up for you. Listen for what you hear. For example, you may hear a voice shaming you for [behavior] which you may then realize sounds a lot like [someone you confessed to / a parent, etc.]. Ultimately these parts of us are often trying to protect us, and when we ignore or try to quiet them, they may get louder.
When we can notice the tape that’s running in the background, without judging it, or feeling like there’s something wrong with us, this can go a long way towards healing. If you’d ever like to unpack this further, you may want to sit down with a practitioner who is familiar with parts work / religious trauma / somatic experiencing to be able to go deeper into that (this is part of my process with clients). What you’re experiencing is totally normal and a part of the process of becoming a sovereign sexual being. Thank you for being here.
From the DMs:
“I’ve come to the conclusion that organized religion has let us down! It left me behind. I’m spiritual, but no longer religious! You?”
I’m sorry that you felt let down by organized religion. Similarly, I don’t profess to be religious, though am deeply spiritual. My spirituality is woven into my embodiment practices. A tantric philosophy that I believe is that we are all an embodiment of the divine. (Not unlike what some religions teach as well). My body is a portal, a connection to the divine.
One thing that Osho taught is that tantra is the religion of the body, which I resonate with -- even though I observe it in a different way than the religion I was raised with.
A question in the DMs:
“I saw from your areas of expertise that you can speak to getting past religious impacts on one's sexuality. How does one start identifying those issues and what do we do about them? I grew up Catholic and thought after 25 years with my wife that I was over it; she thinks I still have a lot of shame. So how does one begin exploring that aspect of my sexuality?”
Thank you for your question. I hear that the you were brought up in the Catholic Church, and that your wife has noticed some lingering shame, even 25 years later. Religion can lay down deep roots within our psyches. Especially when it comes to limiting beliefs, there may be things that aren’t serving you that are running in the background, without you even being aware of it.
Since you have a mirror in your wife, I wonder if she might be willing to reflect some of that back to you. Perhaps you could sit down together and explore gently how she sees this shame manifest in your sexuality. As a cautionary note, it may be hard to hear, so just approach it with an open heart. Since sex is so nuanced, I have a hunch that it may feel risky for her to bring this to you, so this is a place to tend lovingly together.
On your own, you may start a personal inventory, reflecting back on your sexual experiences over the years and seeing if you can tease out any shame or resistance. See if you can find a consent sheet (also known as yes / no / maybe worksheet) that you can fill out. This will generally look like a list of sexual activities that people may be interested in engaging with, and then categorizing them as yes / no or maybe (Sidebar: these are great for doing with lovers and then seeing the things you are both yes's to and using it as a menu of things to explore). Having these activities laid out so clearly on the page may be able to prompt or trigger some of this shame that she is noticing in you. Go gently, no need to do move forcefully through this.
From the DMs:
"Hello! I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read from you. I think you’re doing great work.
I’ve had a tenuous relationship with sex, which stems from a repressive religious upbringing, but as I’ve come further along my healing journey, I’ve felt more and more liberated. After having a recent spiritual awakening/evolution, I know that my purpose in life is to help others heal. It’s no surprise to me, but I’ve never had such surety. I’ve been thinking about what direction I want to go with my healing practice. I plan to study and practice reiki, and I’m thinking about becoming a psychotherapist. But, I’m extremely drawn to sexual/erotic healing. But, I have some concerns about being a man in this space. I’m a big softie, and I try to move through the world with love, light, and respect; but I don’t know how I’d be received. I’d like some guidance on where to begin to deepen my understanding of the fields you work in, and what I could expect as a man working in them. Thank you very much."
Our repressive religious upbringings definitely give us lots of cobwebs to clear out as adults. Glad to hear that you’ve found liberation in your healing journey. Reiki is such a powerful healing modality (I have my Reiki I and II, and can personally attest to the energetic component).
Being in this space, there are many men that are practitioners as well. As a female, I'm often inclined to work with other females in the therapeutic healing spaces (particularly around the erotic), though I have hired male therapists. Granted, this is one perspective. You could start to poll the women in your life to see what their comfort level would be like. Or, you would focus on being a practitioner that works only with men, or works with couples. Not being a man myself in this space, I may not be able to give you a sense of what to expect since it isn't in my lived experience. I would recommend seeking out men in the field who may be willing to share. You may want to look up Jeremiah from Sexvangelicals who writes on Substack.
Since I'm not sure where you're at in your journey, reading books and listening to podcasts are a good place to start as you’re deliberating next steps. I would recommend to start researching different schools or lineages that you feel called to — which is different for everyone. Cam Fraser offers a men’s sex coach certification that he runs out of Australia that is very well respected, I have a few peers who have studied with him. Wishing you well.
Here's a question from the DMs: "So what made you become that?"
I actually never set out to become someone who works in this space. After growing up in a sexually repressed religion for my formative years, I went through a process of my own liberation: investing in coaching, therapy, embodiment, and courses to reclaim my personal sovereignty. Then at a certain point, when it was time to reevaluate my career trajectory, I decided to pivot into the healing field and become a practitioner / facilitator, to hold space for people through their own transformation.