Before You Open Your Relationship, Read This
Open relationships don’t create problems: they amplify what already exists.
Welcome to Sex and Style, where we pick up where sex-ed left off. Written by Certified Sexologist Sarah Ward, this newsletter delivers weekly tips on embodied erotic reclamation, nervous system attunement, and the healing power of pleasure — straight to your inbox.
When a marriage is on the rocks, opening up the relationship can seem like a great solution to:
Get your sexual needs met
Enjoy novelty
All while enjoying the comfort your primary relationship
“Wait… you mean there is a magic relationship loophole where I could take a lover without having to blow up my life and hire an attorney to divide everything in half?!”
Technically, yes — this is an option.
And yet, unless you can approach this relationship shift from a stable place with the right relational skills, it can expose the cracks already present in the foundation.
If you’ve been on the dating apps in the last decade, chances are you’ve noticed a considerable upswing in the amount of people in, or seeking, a more open relationship configuration.
In a piece from the New Yorker, Jennifer Wilson reported:
Fifty-one per cent of adults younger than thirty told Pew Research, in 2023, that open marriage was “acceptable,” and twenty per cent of all Americans report experimenting with some form of non-monogamy.
There are some very real perks to being open:
It takes the pressure off of one relationship to fulfill all of your needs. As Esther Perel says in her viral TED Talk, modern couples expect one relationship to do for us what an entire village used to.
For couples who aren’t having sex, this can allow the higher desire partner an avenue to get their sexual needs met.
Being open reduces the likelihood of cheating — even though cheating still happens in open relationships.
Being with another person can activate parts of your being and be a springboard to develop new relational skills.
For people who are becoming aware of a developing sexual identity or curious about kink, being open can provide an opportunity to explore this.
Open relationships can look several different ways:
Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)
This is an umbrella term for all of the categories below. This is where the people involved in the relationship have knowledge of and consent to being open.
Open Relationship
This is where people are permitted to seek sexual or romantic connections outside of the relationship, without necessarily defining what this is.
Polyamory
Polyamory is where someone engages in more than one romantic relationship at a time. These relationships can be hierarchical (where there is a “primary partner” or “secondary partner”, which can feel degrading) or non-hierarchical in nature.
You may hear terms like “kitchen table polyamory” which is where partners share space, or “parallel polyamory” where partners don’t interact with each other.
People can be poly without actively seeking new connections.
Swinging
The goal in swinging is to have more sexual variety. Married or partnered people may attend swinging parties or sex parties where they engaging in either soft swapping (everything except penetration) or full swapping.
This is generally done in the presence of their partners, and often precludes people meeting up on their own outside of the party container. Swinging is situational, instead of relational.
(Remember Taylor Frankie Paul from The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives? Her swinging scandal landed her a Hulu show deal.)
“Monogamish”
Dan Savage coined this term that describes couples that are a primary pair, and allow occasional sexual exploration outside the relationship. Consider it a negotiated hall pass, instead of a secret affair.
Being monogamish prioritizes the central relationship.
Caveat: This next category isn’t technically part of the open relationship lexicon but bears mentioning, since many couples find themselves in this dynamic.
Tolyamory
Coined by Dan Savage in 2024, this approach involves one partner being tolerant of the other’s sexual exploration — without explicit agreements. This mutual avoidance acts as a “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangement, with one partner turning a blind eye to keep the peace.
Unlike the other categories above, tolyamory is not consensual and lacks the transparency and honest communication that are hallmarks of open relationships.
In my work, I meet couples who identify as monogamous — while one partner is privately seeking outside connections, without their partner’s knowledge or consent.
I recently met a woman who is getting divorced. It had been years since she been turned on by her husband.
And then found out that he had been actively cheating on her for years.
With a teenager.
“Why didn’t I discern that sooner?” she asked me.
Except — I would argue that her body somehow read that it was no longer safe to open to her husband anymore. She couldn’t push through the physical block. This is an embodied inner knowing.
While some people point fingers at open relationships for the reason that committed relationships end, let me be clear:
Open relationships don’t create problems: they amplify what already exists.
Open at your own risk. Doing so can reveal the issues that were already present inside the relationship.
Disclaimer: I am not for or against open relationships. As a Sexologist and Intimacy Coach, I frequently talk to people who are interested in opening up. If you would like support in developing the relational tools to be successful, please reach out.
Sex and Style is a love letter to the body, written by Certified Sexologist & Somatic Sex Coach, Sarah Ward. By day, Sarah helps people unlearn shame and reclaim pleasure. By night, she embodies presence and power as a professional flamenco dancer. Based in Albuquerque, NM, she offers coaching worldwide. For a personalized approach, schedule a free call with Sarah.
There are various reasons for trying out ENM - one of them is tremendous personal growth. But it requires stakeholders to be pretty mature, clear about their (different) expectations, caring, careful, honest, tolerant, resilient and transparent. Even then, drama to be expected, once someone really falls in love. It’s the wrong thing to do, if your relationship isn’t working. Although I’m wondering, what “working” means: Would you have the idea to open up, if you were fully satisfied with the status quo?
… and life goes on, while we are all searching… 🙏🏼
I agree with your last comment. It won‘t necessarily fix or destroy a relationship but it does put a magnifying glass on on the problems that are there but hidden. We are monogamish since the beginning 11 years ago. We met in a tantra group and it just transitioned from there. We are still active with the group.