Nine Questions When Vetting a New Lover

Or, how to get back in the game after sitting out for a season.

I recently met a new friend who chose seven years of celibacy after a string of rough relationships. She realized that the common denominator was her, and so she opted out of relationships and spent this season working on herself.

Other wise women I know have opted out of romantic and sexual relationships for a season (or several) to give themselves a reset. Not only does it allow space to get clear on they desires, they can manifest the relationship of their dreams.

Allowing a lover to have access to your body is a privilege. Not everyone gets access to your inner sanctum. Especially after a history of sexual trauma.

So what can cue you in to whether someone would be a good lover?

Here’s a short list of what has worked for me.

1. How do they smell? When I was dating after my separation, I met this tall handsome musician with light eyes. We had so much in common and had a blast together. But something about his natural pheromones didn’t do it for me. He wanted to take things further and it wasn’t something I could get past.
   
   The olfactory sense is the old brain. Scientists conducted a T-shirt test with 44 male and 49 female volunteers. They gave men clean t-shirts to wear for two days and then had them return the t-shirts to the lab which the women would then smell and rank based on sexiness, pleasantness and intensity.
   
   The results were fascinating. The women were biologically drawn to men whose genes were complementary (and most different) to their own.
   
   Sidebar: women who are on the pill aren’t able to tap into this. The pill somehow mutes this intuitive sense for them.

   

   Doesn’t it look like she’s smelling his beard? Photo by Andrey Shpak on Pixels

2. Do you feel safe with them? Especially if you are getting to know someone, listen carefully to what they say. A friend who had started dating again said a man told her things like, “I can’t wait to get you off of those apps” and “I liked you better as a brunette.” These early messages sounded like warning bells so she bowed out.
   

3. Are they generous in their everyday life? Generosity is a character trait that will spill into every area of their life. Do they tip well? Are they kind to strangers? If they are a generous human, they are more likely to be a generous lover.
   
   Ain’t nobody got time for selfish lovers. I was once with a man who was wildly uninvested in female orgasm. I finally confronted him. “What’s a girl gotta do to get an orgasm around here?” “Do it herself. Most women I’m with are younger and know that this is what they need to do.” Oof. The knife cut twice.
   
   Later, he said, “I can’t figure out why women don’t seem to want to be in relationship with me…” I sure can.
   

4. How do they respond if you cancel plans? There’s a woman who, when matching with someone new on dating apps, purposefully cancels plans to see how they react. How a person responds to the little things will show you a lot about the big stuff.

   

   Photo by Cottonbro Studios

5. Do they honor your boundaries? Do they make space for your no? What happens if you have to slow down physically? When I was first getting back into dating, I was in a hot and heavy make-out session with a wildly attractive man. Things were getting steamy and we could have easily peeled off more clothes. I wasn’t ready to move forward so I asked for us to slow down. He immediately stopped, honoring my request. This is an excellent sign.
   
   Consent can change at any moment. What was a yes, can become a no, and your wishes ought to be honored with the utmost respect.
   
   You don’t have to wait for a steamy moment to test boundaries either. Once on a first date, he touched my back and I said, “I’m not comfortable with touch yet. Thank you.” He apologized and honored this for the rest of the evening.

6. Do they keep their word? If they say they’ll call or text, do they? Do they come through when you make plans together? Or do they cancel more often than you’d like to admit to yourself, or your friends. This is telling. Pay attention to this behavior. How would you respond if they went dark on you after a meaningful sexual encounter?
   

7. What do you feel when you kiss? Do you get butterflies? Do they take their time? Are they willing to invest in the prologue of a makeup session without it having to be a precursor to somewhere else? Or do you feel rushed?
   

   

   
   

8. When was the last time they were tested for STI’s? Has anything come up in their sexual health screenings that was concerning? What are their thoughts on protected sex? Does it align with your preferences? Have the talk before you’re in the heat of the moment so you don’t make a decision you may later regret.
   

9. What does sex mean to them? And does it ladder up to what sex means for you? Is it casual? Is it committed? Do they mate with multiple people or one at a time? These are things to get clear on early before the clothes come off.

How have you vetted your potential partners? What’s worked for you in finding a lover? I would love to hear it in the comments!

Dear one, you are worthy of love, exactly as you are. You are deserving of being ravished (if that’s what you want). Your body is sacred space.

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