My wardrobe was dialed in — until my divorce
When your life outgrows your wardrobe: Three habits to get your style back on track.
Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist, Somatic Sex and Style Coach Sarah Ward. This is intended as general advice. If you’d like a personalized guidance, I’d be honored to connect with you in a discovery session.
Happy International Women’s Day, loves♀️
In the last few years of my marriage before Covid, we were on top of our game. We were golden. A power couple. The kind that turns heads when we walk in the room. Our careers were thriving. Our wardrobes were perfectly curated. We felt limitless. Like we could weather any storm.
Until we couldn’t.
… didn’t see that one coming.
After he left, anytime I went into my closet, everything I owned reminded me of times that we had shared. How do you meet the day anew when everything holds heavy memories?
I wore that dress for the holiday party.
That coat takes me back to the selfie on the bridge.
I bought that lacy thing for him to undress me.
< Constriiict >
These weren’t bad times. On the contrary, these were truly good times. But they took me back to a season full of memories that pinch when I think on them. That’s just not what I want to be reminded of at the beginning of each day. It was an energy suck before I’d even had my morning coffee.
When I looked in my closet, I saw who I used to be. She was shiny and bright. She hadn’t been broken and ground down to dust yet.
That just wasn’t me anymore.
This new Sarah had walked through the fire. I couldn’t show up wearing the same clothes as this former self. The dress simply didn’t fit anymore.
Some of my best looks weren’t built to survive the fire I didn’t know was coming.
The moment life turned up the heat, they melted.
So I had to learn to get dressed differently. And I distilled it down to three things:
✔️ 1: BACK TO BASICS
I didn’t have the energy to invest in my style — there was too much moving and sifting within. Instead of making a statement with my clothes, I went back to basics in a major way. A simple white tee and jeans were classic enough to be timeless and fit inside a limited budget. Wearing basics, I didn’t have to think too hard.
“The space in which we live should be for the person we are becoming now, not for the person we were in the past.”
— Marie Kondō
✔️ 2: HOLD ON — until you’re ready
There was a season (or several) when I wasn’t ready to make any big moves. Looking back, it feels like I was in a version of the freeze stress response. The threat of the proverbial lion was hovering over my frozen body as I played dead. Not moving meant surviving. Surviving > thriving.
In “The Year of Magical Thinking”, Joan Didion tells the story of her husband dying unexpectedly of a heart attack. As she sifted through his belongings in a daze after his death, she felt a block when it came to giving away clothes.
What if he comes back? she found herself wondering. He’s going to need his shoes. She couldn’t bring herself to let them go.
Of course he wasn’t coming back — the funeral had been held — but denial is a significant part of the grief process.
I went through my own year of magical thinking. What if we got back together again? was the refrain woven through my divorce grief. So I held on.
There’s a time for purging, and a time for patience. You need to be ready, and only you can say when the time is right.
“But when we really delve into the reasons for why we can’t let something go, there are only two: an attachment to the past or a fear for the future.”
— Marie Kondō
I lived both.
✔️ 3: SUBTRACT
In the Chinese Zodiac, 2025 is the Year of the Snake. Snakes don’t resist growth — they lean in; they shed their skin when it doesn’t fit anymore. That’s how I approached my wardrobe: not as a loss, but as a natural evolution.
What a better time than now to exfoliate the beliefs and clothes that don't fit who you are and support where you’re going.
When I moved out of the Seattle house, I let my wedding dress go. Pinch.
A dear friend cleared out her entire wardrobe and then invited her girlfriends over to shop her closet. She shared how much joy it brought her to see her old clothes take on new life with her besties. The blouse that reminded her of the toxic work environment, I wore to a job interview and landed as second interview. It didn’t hold the same weight for me.
There is enough clothing on the planet for the next six generations.
Six generations, folks. Do we really need new clothes?
Your old clothes don’t have to go to waste — let them have new life:
Take them to a clothing swap. Host a swap for your girlfriends.
Gift them to families with growing girls.
Last week I pulled 50 items out of my closet. It had been a long time coming. It felt incredible to let that shit go. There was room to breathe. I didn’t see ghosts when I stepped into my closet.
One of my clients spoke of this experience after our closet session:
As I went through each piece with Sarah, it amazed me at how easy it was to let go. Every time I said good bye to a pair of lulu pants from ’08 (it was a good year), I felt a little lighter, more energized. It felt so good.
I realized I had been hanging on to so much, and not just in the physical realm. Purging tangible items helped me shed the intangible items as well. I let go of guilt, shame, toxic relationships, “New Year’s Resolutions…”
After five hours of intense purging, I felt a sense of lightness and renewal. I cannot tell you how long it’s been since I have felt that way. Bliss.
— Hilary, Yoga Instructor and Personal Trainer
✔️ Bonus Tip: ADD
The fastest way to change your energy is by changing how you look. (Other than have an orgasm.)
At some point, you’ll want to breathe a different flavor into your wardrobe. To borrow from Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, you’re singing the flesh back onto your bones. You’re designing a new version of yourself. You get to decide what that looks like.
Is it time to get a bold new haircut, like Gwyneth Paltrow’s character in Sliding Doors? Have you always wanted to be a redhead? Could you visit your department store makeup counter for a primer in a new way to do your makeup? Is this the year you’ll wear a beret? Are you ready for red pants?
Whenever possible, I recommend thrifting and buying second-hand as a gift to the planet. Consignment shops get nearly new items that were worn once or twice. I scored a Neiman Marcus dress with the tags still on for $25.
So, if you’re reconsidering the things hanging in your closet, here’s a hot tip. To borrow from the brilliant Marie Kondō (who, when The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up hit the market, her name became a literal verb), here’s a litmus test that you can use as you’re considering what to keep and what should go:
Does it bring you joy?
That’s it. If it does, keep it. If it doesn’t, say thank you and let that shit go.
“Keep only those things that speak to your heart. Then take the plunge and discard all the rest. By doing this, you can reset your life and embark on a new lifestyle.”
— Marie Kondō
In a way, this is a story about rebirth. The shedding of skin. The phoenix rising from the ashes.
The grief of my divorce was immense, the subsequent giving and receiving felt like this:
People ask me how long it takes to feel right again. Grief is like a vortex that you cycle through.
One day you realize that it doesn’t grip you the way it used to.
One day you realize you feel freer than you have in a while.
One day you make it through the whole day without thinking of them.
And then every so often, the house of cards collapses and you pick up the pieces and begin again.
If you’ve walked this path, I see you, weary traveler. I have the scars, too. I’m holding you.
Getting dressed can be a pleasure. So if something is getting in the way of that, this is an opportunity to pull on that thread and see what unravels when you do.
Your closet is a reflection of who you are.
Let your style tell your story.
If you’re standing in front of your closet, feeling stuck between who you were and who you’re becoming, you’re not alone. Our closets hold more than just clothes — they contain our stories, identities, and sometimes, baggage we didn’t even realize we were carrying. (Case in point 🙋🏻♀️)
As an Intuitive Wardrobe Stylist, I help people clear the static and reclaim their style in a way that feels authentic and empowering. My Closet Confessional offering isn’t just about purging clothes; it’s about making space for the next version of you and illuminating the path to get there.
If you’re ready to let go of what no longer serves you and step fully into your next era, let’s do it together. Curious if we’d be a good fit?
Did this article spark something within you? Share it with a friend who might need to hear this message. And don't forget to hit the ♥️ button! If this was supportive for you, please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber to keep posts like this coming.
For me as a man - I'm have a tendency to hoard things in the garage. Old tools, motorcycles, four wheelers that have passed the original point of use and no longer bring joy because they are taking up valuable space that I could be using to create something else. Maybe it's time to have a yard sale.
“Ghosts in the closet” is a metaphor I didn’t know I needed.