Thank you, Danielle, for your sweet words. A few years ago I worked with a ritual maker and she taught me how rituals are such an important way for the body to have a marker to recognize the deep shifts that happen in our lives. How needed it is, especially around this kind of loss. Yes to the shame. It sounds like you may be familiar with it, too?
Yes, I am. I got divorced nearly five years ago. And while my work environment at the time was a very warm and close one, with rituals for most happy and sad life events (cards and flowers when someone close to you passed away, a baby-basket when you went on parental leave and hand written cards for most other occasions), there was nothing for divorce. At some point I was complaining about that to a colleague and the next day she told me to look in one of the cupboards where we usually put the baby baskets. I found a divorce basket: nicely decorated and filled with a bottle of gin and a bottle of tonic.
Since then, I've made it a habit, also at my new work place, to also acknowledge the life events that don't get cards usually, like divorce and break-ups.
What a lovely culture your workplace had! I love how they went out of your way to show you love while you were going through your divorce. So much love.
Without that collective recognition of the end of something like a divorce or relationship, I fear that the healing process can be stunted. Thank you for sharing this story, Danielle! How are you doing post-divorce? Now that you've had a few years to right the ship?
Yes, it was the sweetest gesture, and it made me feel very seen and supported.
I'm doing well now, thanks for asking. Even though the divorce wasn't my choice, it has invited me to connect with parts of myself that I lost in this partnership. I went to see a therapist to process the divorce and when unpacking the box of divorce-grief, I found a whole attic full of other boxes of grief to be unpacked. It feels so much lighter having those boxes opened and inspected now, rather than stuffed away. Without the divorce, I'm not sure I would have gotten to this point.
Darling, a beautiful piece here. I adore how you use metaphor so effortlessly, the second break, worse perhaps than the first, but so that healing happens well. 🤍🖤🤍🖤
It somehow reminds me about an episode of Black Mirror. A couple would move into a home together and they would have a timer on the wall that told them when the relationship would be up. Sometimes that was days, sometimes that was years. I'm very glad to not know the end before the beginning.
To be honest, even though I’m delighted by the joy of this relationship I have, I am quite terrified of its ending, even if I know I’d rather take that, than not feeling it at all. This life is weird sometimes
Now that you say it yes, it definitely is a distraction. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve all this crazy passionate joy I get in my life. I guess it’s something I have to work through: I can have both, the joy and the grief, life is about both at the end of the day. I don’t want to numb any of them.
Fred, I have never heard this old saying before. There is so much confidence and assurance in this old proverb, I can't help but trust it. Thank you for your empathy and joining me here in the grief.
Absolutely moved by this, so beautifully written. I divorced 10 years ago and it's so true about such grief being carried alone. In our case, I was the one who made the decision - toughest thing ever. After 8 years together, I had realised, among other things, that I didn't want to have kids. I always thought I wanted kids, but for some reason I woke up into the reality of who I really was later on in my life, like waking up from a lifetime slumber (or maybe from a Disney story). And all he ever wanted was to be a dad...
2 months prior is when I had my realisation, like a theatre curtain opening in front of my eyes. The scene I saw on that stage just crushed me inside. I had to have a really good look inside at this new info before crushing his world too. In less than 2 months I went from 52kgs to 44 kgs. Never had I ever lost weight like that. I only realised it when a friend visited us and with panicked eyes when I opened the door he asked me "MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?" I didn't know what he was talking about.
Eventually, the conversation happened. His world crushed, we crushed together. He hurt badly. I had been hurting badly already for 2 months while assessing my new inner reality. There was no other way. I was the villain in our movie. Life happened...he left and we both had to move on.
6 months later we signed the divorce papers. Separately. We never saw each other, we never talked again. I wished him (and myself) well. Life felt unfair but it would've been more unfair to stay together.
Years later I learned he became a dad, which made me happy. To this day I keep being childless by choice and never regretted my decision. It was a most beautiful relationship while it was. We helped each other at the time, we grew together, we supported each others dreams. Despite the pain, I'm grateful for him and the relationship we had.
It's indeed a weird path of grief, that one of divorce. And it's also a huge growth and self love enabler. Life works in mysterious ways.
Thanks so much for sharing this! It's incredibly beautiful, helpful, touching and important.
Mariana, thank you so much for being here. It sounds like you've taken your own heartrending journey with grief and divorce as well. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds so complex: this inner knowing can make it harder, especially when you are the initiator. Sometimes you don't know until you know, and there's no way to un-know it. That's quite a significant weight loss: your body was talking... perhaps even screaming to be heard.
I'm sorry that things ended on such a sour note between you. It brings me joy knowing that he was able to have the family that he was yearning for. And you feel peace in being childless.
Your words: "It was the most beautiful relationship while it was." I felt that too in my bones. When it was good, it was utterly the best of times.
Thank you Sarah 🥰 Yes, it happened 10 years ago and it was a big challenge at the time. Thankfully, all evolved well despite the growing pains. I really felt great right afterwards, confirming in my heart that it was the right decision. You live and you learn. ✨
Undoubtedly so! These monumental decisions change us. I love that kind of clarity you're describing! When you have no shadow of a doubt that you're on the right path. So good. 😌
I remember feeling like grief was like humidity during my divorce…it would come and go and there was no telling when or for how long. I love your descriptions here, thx for this ❤️
Lane, that is such an evocative way to describe grief. You’re so right, it’s changeable and inexplicable. And everyone who mourns a loss passes through it. Thank you for being here and your kind words. ♥️
Bravo for such an important acknowledgement of love, grief and the window of peace that exits in all the versions from frosted to transparent. In our world people can be so quick to encourage us to bury our loss, but thank you for reflecting the dignity of a personal journey to me. I feel so seen by you in your experience.
Sweet Micah, thank you for your tender words. You're absolutely right. People are very uncomfortable in the presence of another's grief, and they want to rush us through our healing. It's stunting. I remember conversations with very loving, well-meaning people, who talked over the silence, seemingly to quell their own discomfort. It didn't serve anyone. I love what you said about the dignity of a personal journey, and feeling seen. Much love. ❤️
“Sometimes healing means breaking your own heart.” Feeling every word of this. As I embark on my own process of navigating deep grief I feel held in the process, knowing someone else is walking the same path. Deep hugs and love to you dear Sarah ♥️
Gwen, your words are a gift to me, I receive them with an open heart. I'm sorry that you're undergoing your own journey of deep grief and can sense your heavy heart. Sending you so much love as you navigate this terrain -- it sounds like we're walking similar paths. May you find sweetness and softness along the way. ♥️
Thanks for posting this beautiful story Sarah. Moving forward requires courage and you are courageous and may I say kind especially given the time you have given me as I navigate through my own journey much love ❤️
Thank you for being here, Peter, I appreciate your words. Courage indeed. It was not a simple decision to come to, and required a lot of thoughtful contemplation. In all of the conversations I had with friends and family and therapists, at no time did anyone say, "You know, you need to do XYZ." Everyone gave me the space to decide for myself. There is no other way, it needs to originate from within. Hoping for clarity for you as you navigate your own path. ♥️
This is beautifully written. And I really recognize the grief without a ritual part of divorce. It gives it a layer of shame that shouldn’t be there
Thank you, Danielle, for your sweet words. A few years ago I worked with a ritual maker and she taught me how rituals are such an important way for the body to have a marker to recognize the deep shifts that happen in our lives. How needed it is, especially around this kind of loss. Yes to the shame. It sounds like you may be familiar with it, too?
Yes, I am. I got divorced nearly five years ago. And while my work environment at the time was a very warm and close one, with rituals for most happy and sad life events (cards and flowers when someone close to you passed away, a baby-basket when you went on parental leave and hand written cards for most other occasions), there was nothing for divorce. At some point I was complaining about that to a colleague and the next day she told me to look in one of the cupboards where we usually put the baby baskets. I found a divorce basket: nicely decorated and filled with a bottle of gin and a bottle of tonic.
Since then, I've made it a habit, also at my new work place, to also acknowledge the life events that don't get cards usually, like divorce and break-ups.
What a lovely culture your workplace had! I love how they went out of your way to show you love while you were going through your divorce. So much love.
Without that collective recognition of the end of something like a divorce or relationship, I fear that the healing process can be stunted. Thank you for sharing this story, Danielle! How are you doing post-divorce? Now that you've had a few years to right the ship?
Yes, it was the sweetest gesture, and it made me feel very seen and supported.
I'm doing well now, thanks for asking. Even though the divorce wasn't my choice, it has invited me to connect with parts of myself that I lost in this partnership. I went to see a therapist to process the divorce and when unpacking the box of divorce-grief, I found a whole attic full of other boxes of grief to be unpacked. It feels so much lighter having those boxes opened and inspected now, rather than stuffed away. Without the divorce, I'm not sure I would have gotten to this point.
Such a beautiful story of honesty Sarah.
Renee, thank you for being here and witnessing me. I appreciate you.
ugh i needed this
thank you, sweet bri. glad to have you here. xx
Darling, a beautiful piece here. I adore how you use metaphor so effortlessly, the second break, worse perhaps than the first, but so that healing happens well. 🤍🖤🤍🖤
Thank you, my love. That's such a beautiful way to look at it, thank you for your sweet reflection. ♥️♥️♥️
I literally have no words after reading this. It made me feel so much, I felt like I was you. There’s such beauty and wisdom in your words💙
Gala, I'm honored by your words and sweet perspective. Thank you for taking this bittersweet journey with me and walking a mile in my shoes. ♥️
It's a funny thing. In so many ways, I would live it all over again to enjoy these moments of safety and joy.
completely. sometimes it’s worth living even if we lose it all 💜
100%. Worth it.
It somehow reminds me about an episode of Black Mirror. A couple would move into a home together and they would have a timer on the wall that told them when the relationship would be up. Sometimes that was days, sometimes that was years. I'm very glad to not know the end before the beginning.
To be honest, even though I’m delighted by the joy of this relationship I have, I am quite terrified of its ending, even if I know I’d rather take that, than not feeling it at all. This life is weird sometimes
That makes sense to me. I wonder, does that become a distraction for you in your present day reality?
In my current relationship, we've navigated a breakup or two (a pause!), and thankfully found our way back to each other.
Now that you say it yes, it definitely is a distraction. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve all this crazy passionate joy I get in my life. I guess it’s something I have to work through: I can have both, the joy and the grief, life is about both at the end of the day. I don’t want to numb any of them.
Thanks for a beautiful and very poignant story. There is an old saying, “You Will Cross The River, And You Will Prosper”.
Blessings
Fred
Fred, I have never heard this old saying before. There is so much confidence and assurance in this old proverb, I can't help but trust it. Thank you for your empathy and joining me here in the grief.
Absolutely moved by this, so beautifully written. I divorced 10 years ago and it's so true about such grief being carried alone. In our case, I was the one who made the decision - toughest thing ever. After 8 years together, I had realised, among other things, that I didn't want to have kids. I always thought I wanted kids, but for some reason I woke up into the reality of who I really was later on in my life, like waking up from a lifetime slumber (or maybe from a Disney story). And all he ever wanted was to be a dad...
2 months prior is when I had my realisation, like a theatre curtain opening in front of my eyes. The scene I saw on that stage just crushed me inside. I had to have a really good look inside at this new info before crushing his world too. In less than 2 months I went from 52kgs to 44 kgs. Never had I ever lost weight like that. I only realised it when a friend visited us and with panicked eyes when I opened the door he asked me "MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?" I didn't know what he was talking about.
Eventually, the conversation happened. His world crushed, we crushed together. He hurt badly. I had been hurting badly already for 2 months while assessing my new inner reality. There was no other way. I was the villain in our movie. Life happened...he left and we both had to move on.
6 months later we signed the divorce papers. Separately. We never saw each other, we never talked again. I wished him (and myself) well. Life felt unfair but it would've been more unfair to stay together.
Years later I learned he became a dad, which made me happy. To this day I keep being childless by choice and never regretted my decision. It was a most beautiful relationship while it was. We helped each other at the time, we grew together, we supported each others dreams. Despite the pain, I'm grateful for him and the relationship we had.
It's indeed a weird path of grief, that one of divorce. And it's also a huge growth and self love enabler. Life works in mysterious ways.
Thanks so much for sharing this! It's incredibly beautiful, helpful, touching and important.
❤️
Mariana, thank you so much for being here. It sounds like you've taken your own heartrending journey with grief and divorce as well. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds so complex: this inner knowing can make it harder, especially when you are the initiator. Sometimes you don't know until you know, and there's no way to un-know it. That's quite a significant weight loss: your body was talking... perhaps even screaming to be heard.
I'm sorry that things ended on such a sour note between you. It brings me joy knowing that he was able to have the family that he was yearning for. And you feel peace in being childless.
Your words: "It was the most beautiful relationship while it was." I felt that too in my bones. When it was good, it was utterly the best of times.
May love find its way back to you.
Thank you Sarah 🥰 Yes, it happened 10 years ago and it was a big challenge at the time. Thankfully, all evolved well despite the growing pains. I really felt great right afterwards, confirming in my heart that it was the right decision. You live and you learn. ✨
Undoubtedly so! These monumental decisions change us. I love that kind of clarity you're describing! When you have no shadow of a doubt that you're on the right path. So good. 😌
I remember feeling like grief was like humidity during my divorce…it would come and go and there was no telling when or for how long. I love your descriptions here, thx for this ❤️
Lane, that is such an evocative way to describe grief. You’re so right, it’s changeable and inexplicable. And everyone who mourns a loss passes through it. Thank you for being here and your kind words. ♥️
Bravo for such an important acknowledgement of love, grief and the window of peace that exits in all the versions from frosted to transparent. In our world people can be so quick to encourage us to bury our loss, but thank you for reflecting the dignity of a personal journey to me. I feel so seen by you in your experience.
Sweet Micah, thank you for your tender words. You're absolutely right. People are very uncomfortable in the presence of another's grief, and they want to rush us through our healing. It's stunting. I remember conversations with very loving, well-meaning people, who talked over the silence, seemingly to quell their own discomfort. It didn't serve anyone. I love what you said about the dignity of a personal journey, and feeling seen. Much love. ❤️
“Sometimes healing means breaking your own heart.” Feeling every word of this. As I embark on my own process of navigating deep grief I feel held in the process, knowing someone else is walking the same path. Deep hugs and love to you dear Sarah ♥️
Gwen, your words are a gift to me, I receive them with an open heart. I'm sorry that you're undergoing your own journey of deep grief and can sense your heavy heart. Sending you so much love as you navigate this terrain -- it sounds like we're walking similar paths. May you find sweetness and softness along the way. ♥️
Sarah! I love this raw deep story of your path. I love you my friend! You're doing the Work! That's what we are all called to do!
Spider Woman!
Darling Katie! I love seeing you here, thank you for your warmth and kind words. Truly! Or is the work doing me?! 😂 Hard to tell which sometimes...
Yesss, Spider Woman indeed! 🕷You wise, witchy woman! Miss you, friend.
Thanks for posting this beautiful story Sarah. Moving forward requires courage and you are courageous and may I say kind especially given the time you have given me as I navigate through my own journey much love ❤️
Thank you for being here, Peter, I appreciate your words. Courage indeed. It was not a simple decision to come to, and required a lot of thoughtful contemplation. In all of the conversations I had with friends and family and therapists, at no time did anyone say, "You know, you need to do XYZ." Everyone gave me the space to decide for myself. There is no other way, it needs to originate from within. Hoping for clarity for you as you navigate your own path. ♥️