A Guide to Oral Sex for Women and Vulva Owners, Part I: The Slow Burn
Setting the sensual stage for sexual pleasure.
Sex and Style is written by me, Certified Sexologist and Somatic Sex Coach Sarah Ward. This is intended as general advice. If you’d like a personalized guidance, it would be a pleasure to hold space for you in a complimentary discovery session to support you where you are.
Welcome to the first Sarah Sutra Q&A! This is where a paid subscriber can submit a question which I’ll answer and share with all subscribers. If you’d like to submit your own burning question, you’re invited to upgrade to paid! This is your last chance to get in at the original rate $8/mo. or $80/year before the price goes up later this month!
Question: What are the detailed touch, mouth and tongue processes for helping a woman reach a clitoral orgasm?
Great question. Let’s dive in.
A lot of men see foreplay as the appetizer and a means to reach intercourse / penetrative sex: which they may see as the main course.
Although women and vulva owners most reliably orgasm from outercourse (stimulating the vulva and external parts of the genitals) many of the activities that make up foreplay are the main event for them.
The invitation is for lovers of vulvas to become familiar with the genital anatomy and how to stimulate them effectively to create pleasure for a woman or vulva owners.
Just remember — every body is different. So while you may have had another partner that loved your signature move, the vulva you’re with now may not respond in kind. This is where your artistry comes into play!
In this two-part series, you’ll receive 13 tips to give her the kind of oral sex that will drive her wild. While 13 has been fed to us as an unlucky number, it’s a very lucky number indeed. It is the number of the goddess, and it reflects the lunar cycles in a calendar year, and the number of times a menstruating woman bleeds. So here’s to lucky number 13!
NOTE: Throughout this piece, I will be referring to women and vulva owners and while I will use the pronoun “she” for simplicity, I want to acknowledge that not all vulva owners identify as women — or with “she”. There is an entire spectrum of gender and pronouns.
1.
Anatomy lesson.
Vulva vs. vagina. The vulva is the outer genitals, which includes the clitoris, while the vagina refers to the inner sheath.
The clitoris is like an iceberg: you only see the tip. The clitoris is a wishbone shaped structure, and most of it is internal, with the exception of the head.
The clitoral complex is an entire pleasure complex with over 10,000 nerve endings, twice that of the penis.
2.
Most women need an average of 45 minutes of clitoral stimulation to reach full engorgement and get her own erection (lady wood!), a precursor for orgasm. So you may want to vary your approach and put all your resources to good use: manual stimulation, toys, tongue, etc.
3.
Communication and consent.
To create a context of safety, discuss what your desires are and how they like to check in. Here’s a few prompts to try:
“Where do you most enjoy being kissed or touched?”
“What kind of pace or pressure do you prefer?”
“Should we check in during sex, or do you prefer to go with the flow?”
“Are there any places you want me to avoid?”
“Are you in the mood for oral?”
Consent, but make it sexy: “I have been thinking of going down on you all day. May I?”
Always remember that consent is reversible. Just because she is a yes now doesn’t mean her yes can’t become a no. Anyone can change their mind at any time and it’s critical to honor this request.
4.
Take your time during foreplay. Before you approach the genitals, warm her up.
This is the slow burn: taking your time here will make sex even better. Think of it like turning up the pleasure dial slowly.
If you touch the clitoris too soon, it can cause her body to numb out and shut down.
So take your time getting to a full-bodied yes.
Here’s some scintillating ideas to play with to build anticipation!
Deep, slow kisses: the lips have 1,000,000 nerve endings!
Using a feather-light Energetic touch (this refers to one of the Erotic Blueprints touch), trace her palms, inner wrist, arms and elbow. There are so many nerve-endings here that often get neglected. The inner wrist is sensitive like a vulva.
Rather than going straight for her nipples, use your hands to explore the sides of her breasts, her ribcage and sensitive side body — areas that often get ignored.
Tell her what you love about her body. Then give her a preview of what comes next. Dirty talk 101: start by saying what you’re going to do to her. “I can’t wait to taste you.”
Caress and kiss her thighs, teasing her vulva without giving it any attention — yet.
5.
Watch her body for signs of relaxation.
Pay attention to her breath: is it shallow? Is she holding her breath? These are signs that her body is not open to receiving. Until her nervous system regulates and she is calm, receiving will be a challenge, so take your time with foreplay.
Remember, orgasm is a nervous system response, and relaxation is a prerequisite for pleasure. If you are seeing her relax in her body and settle into receiving, then keep going.
We’ll continue next week with part II of the oral sex series, so stay tuned for the feast! Make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss out. In the meantime, you’re invited to take the Cliteracy Quiz!
The Cliteracy Quiz
I am creating a course about Cliteracy this summer that is focused on clitoral literacy. While the comments have informed many ideas of what to include, I would love to hear from you: as a woman or vulva owner, or as someone who loves them.
Do me a favor and fill out this quick 5-minute survey!
So far I’ve had over 100+ people complete the Cliteracy Quiz, and your voice matters! Sharing your unique perspective will help to ensure that people who have similar experiences are represented.
Plus, as a thank you, one lucky person will win a sex toy!
Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist, Somatic Sex and Style Coach, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and minted it in 2021, certifying in the VITA™ Methodology with Layla Martin, and as an Erotic Blueprints™ Coach with Jaiya.
For a personalized path to pleasure, schedule a free call with Sarah.
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When you say "women and vulva owners," aren't you referring to the same thing?
Thanks Sarah. I wish they taught this in high school. Maybe some day.