Animal Attraction: The Sex Stats You Didn’t Know You Needed
OMG you’re gonna need to clear the browser history after the google searches this inspires… (you’ve been warned)
Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist and Somatic Sex Coach Sarah Ward. This is intended as general advice. If you’d like a personalized guidance, I’d be honored to connect in a discovery session. Schedule a session during April and get a free bonus on communication that has saved many a relationship!
Today I was out for coffee with a friend when she suddenly pointed: a roadrunner was strutting across the street. Roadrunners aren’t just some fictional character on Looney Tunes, they’re real live raptors in the high desert.
We spied it doing something peculiar with its tail, waving it back and forth like windshield wipers, seductively swaying from side to side.
The roadrunner shook its tail a few more times — “Is this a mating call?” I wondered aloud — until another roadrunner answered the call and stepped onto the road.
The first roadrunner pounced, mounting the second bird assertively. It barely lasted two seconds before the second roadrunner wriggled away. We looked on, stunned, our jaws on the ground.
A real live mating dance, skillfully executed in broad daylight.
Why hadn’t I been filming this??
Have you ever seen a mating ritual in the wild before? I wanna know allllll about it in the comments. I’m collecting stories for science! 😉 Please dish!
It’s spring, so that means that nearly everything in the animal kingdom is mating — or wants to be.
When I was mating dating, I went on a first date with an attractive lawyer with nice lips. We met at Starbucks, migrated to the UNM campus and lounged by the duck pond as we talked. I was reading Untrue by Wednesday Martin at the time (recommended by my dear friend
(Not coincidentally this led to a second date. Although it did not lead me to seeing his penis, in case you were wondering.)
If you were around during the 90s, you probably remember the song:
“You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals, let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel.”
The Bloodhound Gang weren’t wrong. We are mammals. And sure, we’ve evolved somewhat into online shopping, tax-paying humans... but we're still animals.
Some people get offended by this notion — which became clear in the comments section of What Penis Size Has to Do with Non-Monogamy. We may not act much like our animal cousins these days, but let’s be real — biology doesn’t lie.
So, inspired by the roadrunner sex I witnessed, let’s take a ride on the wild side of the animal kingdom: its red light district.
Buckle up — it’s weird, wonderful, and definitely NSFW.
🍆 Ducks
Male ducks have penises as long as their bodies1 (gulp) — some up to 8 inches (20 cm)! Each year, they reabsorb their penises and grow new ones in time for mating season. New season, new shaft!
Imagine the late bloomer duck, willing his penis to be ready in time. “Maybe if I just focus on it hard enough, I’ll be ready for the gang bang.”
Forced copulation — or gang rape — is common among ducks, with several male ducks ganging up on an unsuspecting female.
They aren’t entirely unsuspecting, however.
Female ducks have evolved an intricate vaginal infrastructure with dead ends and tunnels — designed to make it harder for unwanted sperm to fertilize the egg.
Getting knocked up by an aggressor? No female in the animal kingdom wants that.
Mother Nature, you tricky minx.
🐈⬛ Cats
Male cats have barbed penises2 — you read that right — to prevent the female from changing her mind mid-coitus, and stimulate ovulation when pulling out. That’s one way to hold a captive audience.
The barbs rake the walls of the vagina upon exiting, causing the female to shriek and roll around — but not from orgasmic delight. 😬
Girl cats have every right to be in a bad mood for the rest of their days.
💫 Let’s paws for a moment 💫 (Yes, I went there.)
If you’ve made it this far into the freaky animal sex stats, you’re clearly one of my people. Writing these wild, unfiltered essays takes hours of research, storytelling, and editing — and unlike a duck’s penis, this work doesn’t just spiral out of nowhere.
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🐚 Geoduck (Not a Duck, or a Dick)
Everyone in the aquarium is thinking the same thing. Despite its appearance, the shaft of the geoduck is not a reproductive organ, but part of its feeding system.
Nature repeats itself, as anyone can see.
Native to the West Coast waters of Canada and the Pacific Northwest where I grew up, the geoduck (pronounced “gooey-duck”), can live up to 140 years and grow a siphon over 3 feet long.
The name goeduck comes from a Nisqually word gweduc which translates to “dig deep”. Even its name is kinda freaky.
Tom Bloomfield, who comes from a long line of oyster farmers, says3:
“To imagine what makes a top geoduck, imagine what a guy would want to see in his own, er, member. Fairly big and proportionate to the body. Not old and wrinkled or shriveled up.”
Geoducks are a culinary delicacy in Asia, selling for $150/pound, and Washington state makes a cool $22 million annually for harvesting these bad boys. Eating geoduck is said to support fertility — not unlike how eating walnuts, which resemble the human brain, are good for brain health.
In case you’re wondering what it tastes like… “on the palate the geoduck has a beguiling combination of softness and firmness, mild but unmistakable.”
“Is it weird that I’m turned on right now” 🤔
Same, friend. Same.
And that’s just the beginning, I would be remiss to not leave you wanting more. Stay tuned for Part 2 next week where we’ll explore our closest cousins, the primates, and what their mating proclivities say about humans. It’s about to get even freakier.
Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist, Somatic Sex and Style Coach, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and minted it in 2021, certifying in the VITA™ Methodology with Layla Martin, and as an Erotic Blueprints™ Coach with Jaiya. For a personalized path to pleasure, schedule a free call with Sarah.
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Source: Scientific American
Source: Seattle Met
Great piece of writing, as usual, Sarah. I love reading good books of all sorts and definitely will read Untrue. I really enjoyed reading Sex at Dawn, which you mentioned in one of your earlier posts. Thanks.
You rock, Sarah. I definitely didn't know I needed those stats, but clearly I did.