Can You Give Yourself What You Desire?
How I learned to be my own hero and give myself what I want
Growing up as a cisgender woman (someone who is born in a female body and represents as female), there’s a narrative we’ve been fed by society:
Someday my prince will come.
It’s baked into all the Disney films we watched growing up as little girls. If it were a personal ad, it would read: Princess seeks prince to complete her, to save her, to make her whole and legitimate.
Luckily, today’s Disney princesses have much more autonomy and independence—not to mention more realistic waistlines.
I have good news and bad news:
No one is coming to save you.
When I got married at 22 (Mormon child bride, here), I thought I was set for this life and beyond. He was going to take care of me.
And in many ways, he did. He was a provider, surprised me with breakfast in bed, and was wildly supportive of my business ventures. When I had an idea, he would act on it, and together we brought new things into being.
When the relationship came undone, I felt the grief echo through me to every age I had ever been. In my all-encompassing sorrow, I was an infant without a caregiver.
“Who will love us now?!” a young part of me wailed.
“I will, baby, I will,” I replied.
But she didn’t believe me. The question kept coming, for months. Who will love us now? Who will love us now? Who will love us now? Who will love us now? Who will love us now?
I assumed the role of both mother and child and tended to her the best I could.
If there is something you desire that you can give to yourself, do yourself a favor and give it.
For those of us who grew up in scarcity, we may not allow ourselves to have what we truly want.
A dear friend who is also a former Mormon said, “As Mormon women, we were talked out of our own needs.” It’s foreign even to acknowledge what we desire.
“One reason why this happens for so many women is that we come from a long generational female history where women's needs have been deliberately silenced and denied by sexism and patriarchy,” says Rosjke Hasseldine, renowned mother-daughter author, therapist and coach.
“The language that asked women what they felt and needed was not spoken in our mothers' and grandmothers' day. And because this emotional language is missing, our mothers and grandmothers did not learn how to speak it. They did not know how to ask themselves what they felt and needed, and they did not know how to teach their daughters how to honor their own feelings and needs.”1
When we find our voices, we can heal not only ourselves but also the women who came before us and those who will come after us.
There is such medicine in:
Declaring what you desire
Giving it to yourself (if you are able)
If what you desire isn’t readily available, moving heaven and earth to make it so
I have been working at a non-profit for four years and have been slowly planning my exit strategy. At the beginning of 2024, I set a tentative resignation date for mid-June to coincide with my birthday week.
For a while, I negotiated with myself. I tried to say that I was fulfilled. I saw how much I adored my team. I tried to convince myself that I could make it work. (Spoiler: I couldn’t.)
I recently resigned and have two more weeks left to fulfill my contract.
What is standing in the way of what you desire? It may be difficult to acknowledge that it is you.
I have been the cock block to my own life.
What would it feel like to get out of my own way? What would that be like for you?
Here are a few scenarios that have played out recently:
God, I really want a drink.
So I had one.
God, I really want an orgasm.
So I had one.
God, I really want to resign from my 9-5 non-profit job so I can fully dedicate myself to this medicine and step into the expansive vision I have for myself.
So I did.
When you give to yourself, you are both giver and receiver. You receive the benefits of each.
When I saw the visionary photographer Sue Bryce speak in Seattle years ago, she talked about how we have two hands: one for giving, one for receiving. You give with your right, and receive with your left.
The maiden archetype within may wait for someone on a white horse to show up and make all her dreams come true. She might be waiting for a long time.
Instead, be the person you can trust to come through for you. Become a safe place for your nervous system. Save yourself instead.
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It’s such a pleasure to have you here at Sex and Style! I’m a Certified Sex Coach and Wardrobe Stylist that makes a safe space to explore and reclaim your desire. These posts are crafted with love and care, it would be an honor to be passed along to someone you love.
This is such a great read, Sarah. Thank you for your words. Feeling so beautifully and delightfully called out by "I have been the cock block to my own life."
OMG!!!! This was amazing! I related so much, also come from a Catholic background, married at 24 and divorced by 27. I loved the part about being your own cock block. Phew. Been there, done that. Im 35 now and still learning how to five myself what I want: Im loving your blog and Im so excited to be here!