Nancy Drew and the Case of the Missing Desire
Has your libido vanished? We're on the case! Put on your detective hat and let's follow the clues to solve it together.
Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist and Somatic Sex Coach Sarah Ward. This is intended as general advice. If you’d like a personalized guidance, I’d be honored to connect with you in a discovery session.
Did you ever read Nancy Drew books as a kid? Nancy Drew is a girl detective who solves mysteries and growing up, I was captivated by her stories. So when it comes to locating your missing desire, grab your magnifying glass, because we're on into the case of the missing mojo!
Recently at the hair salon, my stylist said that one of her clients was complaining that she has no desire for sex. Zero. Zip. Zilch. It’s like her libido packed its bag and booked a one-way ticket to Pleasure Island — without her.
When it comes to women and their relationship to sex, there are some outdated ideas floating around, and it's time to set the record straight. Here’s some you may have heard before:
Women are always the lower libido partner, and men are the high libido partner (in a heterosexual relationship context)
Women always have responsive desire and never experience spontaneous desire (in case you’re unfamiliar with these terms, read on)
There’s some truth to these statements, but it isn’t always true. Whenever we use these types of blanket statements for everyone, it can become harmful. This is when people begin to believe, “There must be something wrong with me.”
For example, a woman with a healthy sex drive who wants sex daily, at a rate that exceeds what her male partner is willing to engage with, she might begin to wonder what’s wrong with her. Nothing. Friend, you are whole and complete as you are.
We sometimes assume that we should just want sex, out of the blue. This is a phenomenon called spontaneous desire.
Spontaneous desire is when someone feels desire before intimacy has been initiated; it’s like a surprise party for your libido!
Like your partner pulling you into the shower. Or when they see you walking around the house and catch a glimpse of your nipples through your t-shirt, and suddenly want sex. Bam. Spontaneous desire.
Meanwhile, you’re doing laundry and sex is the furthest thing from your mind. About 75% of men experience spontaneous desire, and 70% of women do not.
The other type of desire? Responsive desire.
Responsive desire happens in response to a sexual advance. It’s the slow burn, the gentle nudge.
This is when you’re not necessarily in the mood, but your partner is being sweet with you, whispering sweet nothings, and touching you in the way you like, that your body starts to respond. “I think I could get on board with this,” your body seems to say. Hello, responsive desire.
Has your libido gone missing? Let’s follow the clues and find it!
01: Stress.
Stress activates the nervous system’s brakes and shifts the body into survival mode. Sex Researcher Emily Nagoski created the Dual Control Model, which explains how desire is regulated by accelerators, the things that turn you on, and brakes, the things that turn you off. Stress slams on the brakes, so even if there are things in your environment that could be a turn-on, you’re way less likely to notice them.
While sex is critical to continue the human race, if you’re being eaten by a lion, this is not the time or the place to get it on. This is because safety and relaxation are key ingredients for arousal.
When we’re stressed, there’s a stress hormone called cortisol that courses through our bloodstream, inhibiting the stress hormones testosterone and estrogen, which play into healthy libido. In rare cases, some women experience stress as a turn-on. So while most people need to feel relaxed to have sex, other people want to have sex to destress. Every body experiences stress slightly differently.
In my 8-week course for women, The Pleasure Collective, designed to help them cultivate a better relationship with pleasure, there’s an entire module dedicated to stress and its effects on sex. Get on TPC waitlist here!
02: Medications + Hormones
Medications like SSRI’s (antidepressants), hormonal birth control and even some blood pressure medications can impact a woman’s libido.
Antidepressants, especially SSRI’s (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), can inhibit desire, arousal, and orgasm. The increased serotonin, which can have a calming affect, may dampen desire. Between 25% and 70% of individuals taking SSRIs report some form of sexual dysfunction, including decreased libido.
Hormonal birth control, like the pill, prevents a woman from ovulating, which is the time of a woman’s cycle where she is most likely to want to climb her partner like a tree. The research on this is a mixed bag, but about 15% of women experience a notable decrease in their libido while on hormonal birth control.
If you are taking medication that may be affecting your desire, I encourage you to schedule an appointment with your doctor to explore other alternatives.
Hormones are tiny party crashers that can throw your libido off its game. They play a big role in a healthy libido, in particular: estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone.
Estrogen supports vaginal lubrication and can affect desire and mood.
Progesterone fluctuates through the month, and can be calming, although higher levels can lead to lower sexual desire.
Testosterone isn’t just for guys! It’s a critical hormone for women, too, as it impacts libido, arousal and orgasm.
When was the last time you had your hormones tested? There may be something happening in your body that is impacting your ability to feel pleasure. Schedule an appointment with your GP to get your hormones checked out to see if there may be some underlying issues.
03: Is pleasure a priority for you?
Every person has access to life force energy, and this is where our sexual energy and impulse comes from. If you haven’t prioritized pleasure in your life lately, your sexual energy may feel less than a rushing river, and more like still water instead.
The good news is that you can cultivate your sexual energy. Make time for pleasure every day. Set aside ten minutes before you get out of bed to touch your body, writing a daily lover letter on your skin. This doesn’t have to be sexual touch, unless you begin to experience responsive desire. Part of the purpose of a Pleasure Practice is to help activate your sexual energy, also known as jing in the Taoist tradition. Don’t wait for someone else to activate it in you. You are responsible for your own turn-on.
When you experience pleasure, it increases your capacity to feel more pleasure. When we prioritize pleasure, it creates a feedback loop that enhances sexual energy. Pleasure also helps us to improve our relationship with our bodies and sensuality. If you want to feel more aliveness, I recommend cultivating a Pleasure Practice.
Your turn to play detective!
What is your favorite way to de-stress?
What helps you to drop into your body at the end of a long day?
What does pleasure feel like to you?
How can you tell when you’re a yes for sexual advances?
What does a no feel like in your body?
In the case of the missing desire, it may be less about finding something that was lost, and more about unearthing the pleasure that’s buried inside of you. Time to swap out your detective hat for your archeologist tools and gently brush away the layers of sediment that have obscured your pleasure.
You know how, to a hammer, every issue looks like a nail? To someone who thinks they are broken, everything becomes a problem to be fixed. You are not a mystery to be solved. You’re an experience to be savored, a landscape to be explored.
Here’s what’s happening!
Discover Your Erotic Blueprint™ Masterclass, Saturday, March 8 at 10am PST. Learn the five Erotic Blueprint types, their unique superpowers and potential shadows, and begin to understand yourself through this life-changing framework!
I’ll be a guest on The Men’s Mysteries Podcast with
in March.I’m teaching a free Keynote about keeping the flame alive for couples in long term relationships on Sunday, March 16. Subscribe for updates!
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If you're ready for personalized guidance and support, schedule a discovery session with me. Let's create a roadmap to your pleasure together.
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Great article as usual, Sarah!
I love this article so much! And especially the part about not valuing pleasure being a possible barricade. So glad you pointed that out cause it hits home for me. Whether in my religion or the hustle culture all around that seems to be the message- that pleasure is not important or even that it’s bad.