The Small Stings that Become Stepping Stones

An invitation to sit with the things that make you feel uncomfortable.

Coming into focus. Photo by Easton Richmond

Last Sunday just after midnight, I stepped on a sharp crystal and sliced my foot open deep. It hurt like hell, bled profusely and needed stitches to close the wound. All week I’ve been tiptoeing gingerly around.

My foot is swollen and that’s by design: the body swells to protect itself after injury. At the urgent care last week, I got a tetanus shot. As I braced myself for the sting of the needle, the nurse asked me to relax and breathe. And then it was over before it had even begun.

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about things that sting.

I say “pussy” and “polyamory” and people unsubscribe. (It’s not contagious, I promise)

As some people leave, other people arrive. The internet is a big revolving door.

Believe me when I say, I get it. Sarah ten years ago did not use the word pussy. It was crass. It was an insult. Hard no. (And now I do.)

My boudoir photographer regaled me with stories of her polyamorous adventures when she opened up her relationship in 2016. I was rapt. Tell. Me. Everything.

At the time, I was in a monogamous relationship and it was titillating to hear her juicy stories. Vicarious living, hello!

I was raised in a faith that decried premarital sex and pornography. Masturbation was something I went to confession for over the span of a decade. And now I’m a Sacred Sexuality Coach that encourages women to cultivate their own pleasure practice.

With intention and care, a pleasure practice can help you heal, to rewire your nervous system, and expand your pleasure potential.

Me as a teenager

19-year-old Sarah wouldn’t recognize me now. I think she’d be proud. Everything I do is for her: To unbind her. To rewire her nervous system. To expand her pleasure potential.

This is Sex and Style. These are some of the tasty topics you’ll find here. They might make you uncomfortable and I invite you to pay attention to that. What’s that about? Where did you learn that?

Sometimes we brace, we clench. And for good reason. I’ve been hobbling around on my swollen foot as it heals this week. We can do this psychologically, too.

In all honesty, sex can be a triggering topic. The west has puritanical roots and it shows. Many of us grew up not talking about sex, even with the ones we love most. Maybe even with our lovers.

This is how we discover we’re unexpectedly pregnant, or positive for an STI. Excuse me, miss — your miseducation is showing. Ouch.

This is how we are raised to have unsatisfactory sex. More often than not, we don’t talk about it the way it matters, the way it deserves. Sex has been made taboo, it’s been made more powerful in the dark.

It’s empowering to bring these conversations into the light of day.

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The path between these two versions of me involved a meandering path that involved a lot of therapy, coaching, and a sex coaching certification (with another one on the way). If I could deduce all of that into a single thought, it would be this:

Get so curious about the things that sting a little.

Pull on the thread of things that repel and compel you.

The things that have a charge and feel a little bit repulsive, and a little bit alluring.

The things that make you uncomfortable and might make you hit unsubscribe. (I’m not saying don’t unsubscribe if you feel called to. Consent is sexy. It matters here. I’m certainly not going to hold anyone against their will.)

(Consensual bondage is also sexy. I just learned my primary Erotic Blueprint is Kinky. Hiii. Take the free Erotic Blueprint test. Tell me yours.)

That’s your invitation. Get curious.

Magnets can attract — and repel.

You can love someone — until you hate them.

You can marry someone and want to stay together forever — until you divorce them.

You can crave something under the cloak of night — and feel shame about having it in the light of day.

You have permission to want what you want here.

I needed someone to say that to younger me. I needed to be reminded of it recently.

You can feel a sexy charge, and you not know what to do with it — which doesn’t mean you have to go and do something about it.

Let the obstacles show you the path. That doesn’t mean you’ll start to call your hoo-ha a pussy or that you’ll want to open your relationship. (Although you might.) This is simply an invitation to sit with the charge and let it teach you.

We are complex kaleidoscopes. Fractals of light.

Brilliant and dazzling and dizzying at every angle.

Love, listen: make space for your desires. Give them air to breathe. Pull that thread and see where it leads.

(Since we’re friends: Mine led me out of my religion, out of my marriage, to the desert to dance, and into a sexy and supportive relationship with a gorgeous man. To borrow from

Jo Portia Mayari

, I am well-loved and well-fucked.)

Give yourself permission to want. No one else will can give you permission besides you, boo.

Desire at your own risk: it might just lead you into the life you’ve always wanted.

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It’s such a pleasure to have you here at Sex and Style! I’m a Certified Sex Coach that makes a safe space to explore and reclaim your desire. I hope you’ll stay a while. These posts are crafted with love and care, it would be an honor to be passed along to someone you love.

Thirsty for more? I got you, babe.