To all the girls who've never cum before

The four ingredients needed for the Big O.

Sex and Style is written by Somatic Sex Coach Sarah Ward. This is intended as general advice. If you’d like a personalized guidance, I’d be honored to connect with you in a discovery session.

Our culture is obsessed with orgasm. Who can blame them? Honestly, I’m obsessed, too.

Some women experience waves of pleasure during orgasm. Photo by Anastasiya Vragova on Pexels

Orgasms are a way to experience the most pleasure possible in a human body.

There are plenty of benefits to cumming:

• Orgasms are reliable stress or pain relief—a great way to get rid of a headache. (How ironic when we consider the ads of married women feigning headaches to get out of sex. An orgasm would help!)

• Better sleep!

• Bonding with a partner. The oxytocin and dopamine released during orgasm are designed to knit two people together. Ideally for long enough to create a baby and propagate the human race. (Mother Nature’s no dummy. She knows what she’s doing.)

• Transcendence. In his book Recapture the Rapture, Jamie Wheel shares a study conducted on women, between clitoral orgasms and magic mushrooms. The study showed that women experiencing clitoral orgasms had a more transcendent experience through the big O than doing magic mushrooms

How’s that for transformative?

Recently, I had my own Harry Met Sally moment. I’m at a coffee shop with a girlfriend and we are howling with laughter.

She told me how her auntie’s TV showed a clip of Jesus hanging naked on the cross — (a particularly well hung Jesus, at that) and right at that moment, her TV broke. “That’s what you get for thinking dirty thoughts about Jesus!”

I could barely breathe I was laughing so hard.

“I’ll have what she’s having!” the woman at the next table says.

Photo by Jenna Duffy in Nosara, Costa Rica

Laughter, after all, takes you to the same place that orgasm does… except with all of your clothes on. And you can laugh all you want at family gatherings. Or at the office. Or in mixed company!

So the next time you want/need/crave an orgasm and aren’t in a position to have one, laugh it out instead.

Back to the Big O. It’s what you came for, no? (That’s what she said.)

All of this is within arm’s reach. (Quite literally.)

And yet:

• At least 10% of women report never having an orgasm in their life¹

• 80% of women report faking an orgasm²

• Only 18.4% of women³ report that penetration is enough to orgasm

In a recent survey of 2,300 women by Cosmopolitan magazine, only 57 percent of women said they orgasmed every time they had sex, compared to 95 percent of men, and 38 percent of the responders said it was because of "not enough clitoral stimulation."

Vice

Talk about an orgasm gender gap. It’s time to level the playing field.

Sigmund Freud, founder of psychoanalysis, once said that clitoral orgasms were immature⁴, relative to a woman’s development. In other words, according to Freud, clitoral orgasms are for pussies (why yes they are!) and vaginal orgasms are where it’s at.

May I remind the class that Freud DID NOT HAVE A VULVA so doesn’t get to weigh in on the matter thankyouverymuch.

So let’s look at the mechanics.

Men can reliably orgasm from penetration alone. That means if penetration is the only thing on the menu, around 81.6% women will likely be left wanting.

I’ll never forget the beginning of a Hitchcock film where a young couple (likely teenagers) walk out of a roadside inn. The boy is still on cloud nine, and the girl says, “I don’t think you did it right…” I’ve been there too, boo.

Adding variety and novelty to the bedroom will make the experience more pleasurable for a woman — and likely her partner, too.

For most vulva owners, the most reliable way to reach orgasm is through clitoral stimulation. The clitoris is a network of 10,000 nerve endings. Not unlike an iceberg, much of this network is out of sight.

Here are the ingredients for an orgasm:

1. Safety

2. Mental relaxation

3. Prolonged stimulation to the clitoris (there are other types of orgasms as well, though let’s start here)

4. Plenty of time, ie: lack of pressure.

   1. “You take a long time to come” is not helpful feedback. These partners should be revoked access to our bodies. (Refer to point #1)

If you are a woman who has never had an orgasm before, or struggles to orgasm with a partner, you are not alone.

This planet is not a safe place for people living in female, trans and non-binary bodies. Every woman has had the experience of feeling like prey. We worry about date rape. We’re preoccupied with the risk of pregnancy and STIs. We may be concerned about what our sexual partners think of us for wanting sex in the first place.

That’s a lot of fucking pressure to swim upstream against.

Love, here’s a perspective you may not have considered:

An inability to orgasm may actually be your body protecting you

Your Body Isn’t Broken — It’s Been Protecting You

Orgasm is a neurological phenomenon⁵ within the body. That means if you have a resourced nervous system, then you are more likely to be able to achieve an orgasm.

This is the work that I do with my clients: helping their nervous systems to regulate so that they can experience more of the exquisite pleasure their bodies are made for. Curious to know more?

In his book She Comes First, The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, Ian Kerner, PhD says that for a woman to achieve an orgasm is an incredible act of mental focus.

Orgasms are muscle memory. Once you can get there on your own, your body is more likely to find its way there again.

When we untether orgasm from sex, many women report that they are able to have more fun during an intimate encounter.

In other words, take orgasm off the table, and you may be more likely to have one.

Here’s a sexy scene that you may want to recreate:

A friend shared a story about a girlfriend of theirs who had never had an orgasm from receiving oral sex. She struggled to relax, as many women do. Likely she was stuck in her head, wondering how she tasted, how she smelled, how she was groomed, and what her lover was thinking. How can you possibly relax into orgasm with all that mental chatter going on upstairs?!

Her lover brought an unforgettable suggestion: for her to read a book while he went down on her.

Let’s set the scene:

They’re in a tent in the middle of the woods.

She is focused on her novel.

Her lover is focused on her pleasure.

With this combination of distraction and detachment from the outcome, his tongue took her over the edge.

I’ll have what she’s having.

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Sex and Style is written by Certified Somatic Sex and Relationship Coach and Wardrobe Stylist, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and minted it in 2021, certifying in the VITA™ Methodology with Layla Martin and as an Erotic Blueprints™ Coach with Jaiya. For personalized support, schedule a free discovery call with Sarah.

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Does this bring to the surface something in you? Do you have a story that you would like to be witnessed in? I invite you to:

Thirsty for more? I got you, babe.

1. Orgasm Statistics from Pleasure Better

2. Women May Fake Orgasms to Have an Actual Orgasm, Study Says | Time

3. Results from a U.S. Probability Sample from 18 to 94 | National Library of Medicine

4. Female Sexual Arousal by National Library of Medicine

5. Neural Control and Physiology of Sexual Function | National Library of Medicine