Wait, did I just get ghosted?
Wait, did I just get ghosted?
Navigating the pain and lessons of modern ghosting.
Welcome to Sex and Style! This is a weekly publication written by Certified Sex and Relationship Coach and Wardrobe Stylist, Sarah Ward. Posts go out on Mondays. Since spooky season is upon us, you can look forward to some spooky adjacent posts like this!
Not too long ago, I had a flirty thing going on with a rock climbing mountain man. The first time we hung out, we went climbing, then got drinks and snuggled. He lavished me with attention, asked great questions, seemed endlessly curious about me. I drank in his gaze like a purring cat. I didn’t want it to end. (Hellooooo, love bombing!)
As time wore on, he became less responsive to texts. The experience with him felt like a Katy Perry song, going from hot to cold, yes to no. Each text I sent triggered a panicky, anxious feeling — when would he respond? Would he?
And yet, part of me was convinced that I could lure him back, that we could return to that initial spark.
So I kept trying. I went out of my way to be where he was, to be seen by him. To dress in a way that he would like.
Reader, he ghosted me.
Ghosting: verb
When a relationship or ‘situationship’ suddenly ends without warning and communication goes dark. It can happen when people are dating — or to those who’ve even been in relationship for years.
It’s a veritable disappearing act. And it hurts like a motherfucker.
In today’s realm of modern love, there are so. many. options. The anonymity of the internet emboldens people. When one connection falls through, instead of handling it with open, mature communication, sometimes ghosting can occur.
It happens way more often than it should.
A survey of 4,860 adults in the U.S. conducted by Pew Research Center indicated that approximately 29% of respondents had experienced ghosting and young adults (ages 18-29) experienced the most ghosting of all age groups at 42%.
To rewind to my story, I had been happily securely attached for years. This experience brought up painful feelings of abandonment from childhood. It activated deep anxious attachment wounds in me.
I felt out of control. There were so many questions I didn’t have answers to.
After I was ghosted, I wrote this poem about how I felt with this man:
I shipwrecked myself on your shores
Chasing after this unavailable man felt destructive. And I didn’t know how to stop.
The thing about ghosting is that we are left holding the rope, wondering if they will pick up their end, without closure.
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of ghosting, you’ll understand. Without closure, you may find yourself wondering, “What could I have done differently? What if this was the one?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but…
Love, there is nothing you could have done differently.
This person showed their limitations for being in relationship by exiting quietly from stage left without a word.
If they could have done something differently, they would have.
Ghosting is evidence of their inability to deal with things in a healthy, mature way. If the ghosting didn’t happen today, what’s to say it wouldn’t happen further in the relationship? While painful, the person who ghosts shows their true colors.
Like Dr. Maya Angelou said:
“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
I read Three Women, a non-fiction book by Lisa Taddeo, where she chronicled the sex lives of three women for over a decade.
One of the women reconnects with her childhood boyfriend later in life and starts having an affair with him. She makes herself wildly available to a man who now barely responds to her. She does 90%. He does 10%. All she wants is more.
I saw myself in her. The way that she settled for crumbs. It was so abundantly clear to me that she deserved more in a relationship and that it was time to walk away.
This was followed by a devastating realization: This hadn’t felt so clear for me.
This piece by Rebecca Campbell felt like a balm during that season of healing.
The world is filled with people who, no matter what you do, will point blank not like you. But it is also filled with those who will love you fiercley. They are your people. You are not for everyone and that’s OK. Talk to the people who can hear you.
Don’t waste your precious time and gifts trying to convince them of your value, they won’t ever want what you’re selling. Don’t convince them to walk alongside you. You’ll be wasting both your time and theirs and will likely inflict unnecessary wounds, which will take precious time to heal. You are not for them and they are not for you; politely wave them on and continue along your way. Sharing your path with someone is a sacred gift; don’t cheapen it by rolling yours in the wrong direction.
Oof. That hit home.
If you have been on the receiving end of ghosting, may I lovingly posit that:
You won’t have to earn love, attention or basic decency when you’re with someone who wants to be with you.
They will call. They will respond. They will want to be where you are.
So if you have been seeing someone and it isn't working, here’s how to say thanks but no thanks. In other words, this is how not to inflict ghosting wounds on another.
“Hey, thanks for connecting last night. I had a great time with you, though I didn't feel the spark. Thank you for understanding. Wishing you well.”
It can be as simple as this. Do them the favor of closing the loop.
Share Your Experience. If you've ever been ghosted, know that you're not alone. You’re invited to share your story and your journey in the comments below. Expressing yourself can be a powerful form of catharsis. Let’s create a space where we can support one another and find solace in our shared experiences. Your voice matters.
Sex and Style is written by Certified Somatic Sex and Relationship Coach and Wardrobe Stylist, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and minted it in 2021, certifying in the VITA™ Methodology with Layla Martin, and as an Erotic Blueprints™ Coach with Jaiya. Sarah was personally mentored by one of 10 Certified Image Masters in the world. She has styled over 5000 photo shoots and dressed thousands of bodies. Her work has been published in Seattle Met Bride and Groom and Women’s Wear Daily.
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Oof the 90% to 10% settling for crumbs really sucks and I can so relate. You deserve better Sarah. We all deserve better. Relationships are a lot of work but if there’s one thing I’m learning establishing commonality is so key. I’m sorry this happened to you.