The Myth of Penis Size: What Really Matters in the Bedroom

There's an endless debate about penis size and what women want. May the record show: size does not equal satisfaction.

Sex and Style is written by Somatic Sex Coach Sarah Ward. This is intended as general advice. If you would prefer a bespoke approach to your situation, book a session with me.

Last night, my guy and I went to see Heretic, a horror film featuring two Mormon sister missionaries who knock on the wrong door and are lured into a deadly game of cat-and-mouse. Religious debate, mansplaining and chaos ensue.

The film opens with two sister missionaries sitting on a park bench, talking about penis size.

Sophie Thatcher and Chloe East play two Mormon missionaries in A24 film Heretic. Image: A24

“I heard that the Magnum condoms are the same size as the normal ones,” one sister missionary begins.

“No, they definitely are not,” the other attests, saying that her sister’s husband has a large penis and that they had to use Magnums.

That penis size can spark conversations between two chaste (albeit fictional) sister missionaries tells you a thing or two about how prevalent the size debate is.

“What’s your ideal penis size?” he asked me at a noisy dive bar on our second date.

There are as many answers to this question as there are people under the sun. It all comes down to personal preference.

“I’ve never really found a real shall we say, connecting thread amongst women as far as penises go,” Bryce E, ‘Esquire’ Rasmussen commented recently on Sex and Style. “Some like cut, some like uncut, some like big, some are fuck off with that thing it’s too much, some like it average, it’s all over the place.”

He’s not wrong.

I’ve had conversations with women who are thrilled to be with a man with a large penis.

I’ve had conversations with women who are relieved to discover the man they’re with has a smaller penis.

Photo by Leon Black

Let’s get down to numbers.

• The average penis size is reported to be between 5.1” and 5.5” when fully erect (though based on the research, it’s likely on the smaller size)¹

• If a penis is 5.5” or larger, it is above average size

• Many men believe that 6” is the average penis size²

• Self-measuring can be unreliable. For studies conducted about penis size that ask men to self-report, there is a tendency for men to exaggerate as much as 21%³

• When researchers conducted the measurements (vs. self-measuring) in 8 studies about penis length, the average erect penis was 5.01”⁴

Here’s the cultural script about size:

• Desirable men have big dicks

• Desirable women have tight pussies

So how is that supposed to work anatomically?

Of course men enjoy a tight fit. But a tight pussy may reflect a tight pelvic floor, inflammation or even a vaginal infection. A tight vagina will lack sensation and control. The tissue of the vagina are made to be flexible, expanding to allow a penis, a toy, or even a baby to pass through.

Let the record show: A desirable vagina is one that can tense and release as needed for optimal sensation and control.

Women I’ve worked with have walked away from sex because their vagina could not fit the size of the penis their prospective lover had during a one night stand.

The Kama Sutra, the renowned classical Hindu text about sex and positions, tells us something that echoes common sense:

Choose a sexual partner whose genitals are a compatible size with your genitals.

Kudos to Alina who shared this recently!

The Complete Illustrated Kama Sutra edited by Lance Dane

Size does not equal satisfaction

As much as we get wrapped up in the penis size debate, satisfying sex doesn’t come down to size: it’s measured by connection and pleasure.

Learning how to please a lover, to understand them and their desires is key for a satisfying sexual encounter. Connection, attentiveness, stamina, curiosity and being a generous lover are all highly desirable traits in a lover, irrespective of the size of his dick.

There are so many ways to pleasure a lover that has nothing to do with a penis.

Here’s a few:

1. Foreplay

2. Fantasy

3. Dirty talk

4. Exploring different erogenous zones

5. Outercourse, like vulva massage and manual stimulation

6. Oral sex

As the research shows, for most women it isn’t a penis that provides orgasms. Pleasure, yes. Orgasm, less often.

The majority of women require clitoral stimulation in order to achieve an orgasm. The clitoris is the glittering jewel of the vulva, or outer female genitalia: this complex network of erectile tissue is comprised of 10,000 nerve endings and is dedicated solely to pleasure.

Illustration by Hello Clue

When engaging in heterosexual P in V (penis in vagina) intercourse, the proximity of a woman’s clitoris to the entrance of the vagina will affect whether or not she can orgasm from penetration alone. In other words, if her clitoris is close to the vaginal opening, she’s more likely to orgasm from penetration.

Since we’re talking size, the head of the clitoris is the only visible part, although it’s like an iceberg: most of it is underneath the surface. Here is an illustration of the full clitoris inside the body. The clitoris is 3.5” to 4.25” long from top to bottom and approximately 2.5” wide.⁵

Illustration by Hello Clue

Since the clit is made of erectile tissue like the penis, the clitoris swells with blood and increases in size when it’s aroused. The vestibular bulbs (shaped like an inverted heart) can become so engorged that the labia swells in kind. Like the penis, the clitoris also gets erections.

In this illustration, we see a flacid penis (left) vs. an erect penis (right). There is a clitoral erection (top) and an unaroused clitoris (bottom). Art by michaelducharme.com

Like sex researcher Emily Nagoski says, we all have the same erectile tissue, organized differently.

Back to orgasms through penetration alone. In a study conducted among 1055 women, ranging from 18 to 94, by GfK KnowledgePanel® in June of 2015, they found:

"While 18.4% of women reported that intercourse alone was sufficient for orgasm, 36.6% reported clitoral stimulation was necessary for orgasm during intercourse, and an additional 36% indicated that, while clitoral stimulation was not needed, their orgasms feel better if their clitoris is stimulated during intercourse.”⁶

It would appear that men are more worried about size then women:

For example, one study on more than 50,000 heterosexual men and women found that only 55% of men were satisfied with their penis size, although 85% of women expressed satisfaction with their partner’s penis size (Lever et al., 2006).⁷

So what is the best penis size?

Photo by Deon Black

Ultimately it comes down to this:

The best penis size is yours. (For penis-owners)

Or, the one that you choose to be with. (If you have sex with someone with a penis)

As high an order as it may be—the invitation here is to strive to accept our bodies as they are.

Let’s love the skin we’re in.

Sex and Style is written by Certified Somatic Sex and Relationship Coach and Wardrobe Stylist, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and minted it in 2021, certifying in the VITA™ Methodology with Layla Martin and as an Erotic Blueprints™ Coach with Jaiya. For personalized support, schedule a free discovery call with Sarah.

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1. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy: Average-size erect penis: fact, fiction and the need for counseling

2. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy: Average-size erect penis: fact, fiction and the need for counseling

3. PsyPost: Study finds men will exaggerate when self-reporting masculinity-related traits, especially penis size

4. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy: Average-size erect penis: fact, fiction and the need for counseling

5. Cleveland Clinic

6. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy: Women's Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94

7. Frontiers in Psychology: Smaller prize, bigger size? Exploring the impact of money on men’s self-reported markers of masculinity