Hey babe, your bias is showing

As a Sexologist, I’m here to call it like it is. Biases in relationships, sex, and identity don’t just affect us individually, they shape how we interact with each other and the world around us.

Sex and Style is written by Certified Sexologist and Somatic Sex Coach Sarah Ward. This is intended as general advice. If you’d like a personalized guidance, I’d be honored to connect with you in a discovery session.

Photo by Riccardo Carlo Rossi on Unsplash

I’m the girl that will tuck in a clothing tag for another woman in a friendly way. 

I won’t let you go through a whole dinner with broccoli in your teeth.

And I’ll let you know if your bias is showing. 

Oxford dictionary definition: 

Bias:

Noun: prejudice in favor of or against one thing, person, or group compared with another, usually in a way considered to be unfair.

Verb: cause to feel or show inclination or prejudice for or against someone or something.

As a Sexologist, I’m here to call it like I see it. Biases in relationships, sex, and identity don’t just affect us individually, they shape how we interact with each other and the world around us. So if your bias is showing, you can bet I’ll point it out. This isn’t to shame you; it’s to help you see how it impacts not only you, but the people in your life.

While I was putting myself through school, I worked at a social science research center as my day job (before committing to my Sex Coaching practice full time). Our organization had prestigious government contracts to conduct research nationwide to find out how people felt about a given issue, like vaccines or Covid. 

The most important thing that everyone knew company wide? Avoiding bias. You introduce bias and you invalidate the research. All of that work down the drain. 

I trained the team that trained the interviewers who conducted the research for projects run by the CDC. 

So believe me when I say, I can spot bias. It shows up in my comments on the regular.

Here’s a few examples of how bias looks (these are real examples):

• “Yeah, but bigger penises are superior and that’s the only way women can have vaginal orgasms. The only reason women aren’t having vaginal orgasms is inferior (read: small) penises.”

• “Yeah, but all bioholes are disloyal.”

• “Yeah, but big penises always cheat.” 

• “Yeah, but tall women have loose vaginas.” 

• “Yeah, but people are having less children now more than ever and non-monogamy isn’t helping people to find their soulmate.” 

Can you spot the bias woven through these examples? 

These are biased beliefs that people choose to have and then they walk through the world looking for validation of this belief. Sometimes they find it. Sometimes they don’t. They often come to me looking for validation. 

Let’s talk through each of these.

Example 1:

“Yeah, but bigger penises are superior and that’s the only way women can have vaginal orgasms. The only reason women aren’t having vaginal orgasms is inferior (read: small) penises.”

• Having vaginal orgasms requires safety, practice, communication and accurate understanding of anatomy. It isn’t just about the size of the male member. 

• Many people find that focused stimulation with fingers or toys, can bring more pleasure.

• This isn’t about size; it’s about skill and awareness. 

NOTE: As an educator, whenever possible, I use terms like “penis owner” and “vagina owner” to honor how gender isn’t always so clear-cut. This ensures that we don’t erase the experiences of Trans and gender-nonconforming people in our conversations about sex and relationships. 

The Myth of Penis Size: What Really Matters in the Bedroom

Example 2:

“Yeah, but all bioholes are disloyal.” 

• To reduce people to bioholes? Not cool. Talk about objectifying a human being.

• Well, that seems like your experience. It makes me wonder why you keep choosing bioholes that are attached to humans that are disloyal. What’s that about?

• Are you perpetuating that belief? Chicken or the egg.

Example 3:

“Yeah, but big penises always cheat.” 

• This generalization is like saying that all women with large breasts cheat. 

• We don’t have data about the types of body types or appendages that cheat. 

• We do have data about the % of men and women who cheat. The Kinsey Institute has data that 23% of men have cheated and 19% of women have cheated. 

• It may be that this person has experienced several partners with large penises who have cheated which has led to a belief system that this means all men with large penises cheat. This is a false generalization since there are plenty of men with large penises who are deeply loyal to their partners. 

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Pausing for a moment to share my purpose:

With the erasure that is happening in the federal government level, limiting public access to sexual health information, I consider my role of providing accurate and unbiased sex education at Sex and Style more important than ever.

Me in my happy place: writing. Photo by Sierra Greenlee at home.

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Example 4:

“Yeah, but tall women have loose vaginas.” 

• Let’s call it like it is: this is inaccurate and harmful. 

• For one, the myth of the tight pussy is unhealthy. Vaginas are an extremely elastic organ that can stretch and expand to allow a penis or toy to enter. The vagina is the birth canal, where the majority of humans pass through. And then the vagina retracts and returns to a cozy sheath.

• A “tight” pussy may be due to a tight pelvic floor, which is not supportive for healthy body and sexual functioning. A tight pelvic floor can cause issues with urination, defecation and intercourse, and may play a role in painful sex.

• Here’s a healthy reframe: A healthy vagina is one that can contract and loosen on command as needed. 

• This person tried to show me a doctor that had published something that supported this, but the medical professional said, “Women who are tall have longer or deeper vaginas” — can we all agree that “longer” is significantly different than “looser”?

Example 5:

“Yeah, but people are having less children now more than ever and non-monogamy isn’t helping people to find their soulmate.” 

• There are plenty of reasons why people may be having less children: the cost of living, the death of the American dream… It cost my wasband’s parents $32,000 to buy a house with seven acres of land. The cost of a starter house is now $243,000, ad $426,000 for the average home in America. (source) — It’s not the avocado toast that’s preventing millennials from buying a house, folks.

• Some people choose not to have children by choice. 

• Some people are waiting for the right partner. 

• Some people find their soulmate but can’t have children. 

• Some people find their soulmate and choose not to have children. 

• Some people decide to have a child first and hope that they will eventually find their partner. 

• Who’s to say that non-monogamy wouldn’t allow a vibrant, consensual community of people to raise children in a different, healthy construct?

With my background in social science research, I am careful to not introduce bias. 

I’m not here to tell you that you should be monogamous. Or non-monogamous.

I’m not here to threaten the 18-year marriage you’ve cultivated. I’m not here to tell you to give up a polyamorist lifestyle to pigeonhole you into monogamy if that’s not what you want.

Just because I write about non-monogamy doesn’t mean I’m touting it for everyone. Maybe it would be beneficial for you. Maybe it wouldn’t. That’s for you to decide. 

I am not the authority on you. You are. 

Pick the relationship style that works for you.

I will give you things to think about, ideas to try on that are grounded in research and ancient traditions that were handed down to me by wise teachers — then let you decide. 

If someone walks in with a forgone conclusion and we look for evidence that only supports what we are trying to prove? 

Bias. 

If a researcher or scientist has a hypothesis and only looks for evidence that supports this theory? 

Bias. 

The whole reason that Viagra exists is because the team of scientists that were trying to develop a heart medicine found that there was a curious byproduct as a result of their medication: erection. They got curious and realized that they were on the brink of something big (pun intended).

Who needs a pink pill (female Viagra) when you have this.

Hey babe – your bias is showing. 

You might wanna keep an eye on that. 

Here’s the invitation: The next time you find yourself making a judgment — about someone’s body, their sexual preference or relationship choices — notice it. Then, take a moment to ask yourself: 

• Is this true? 

• How do I know this is true?

• What is behind this belief? 

• Is this from personal experience? 

• Is this something I’ve been taught or heard from others? 

• Are there examples I can think of to challenge this view? 

I’m asking you to think critically. You are not being asked to believe everything that I write or share. Try it on, see if it resonates, if it melds with your values, if it makes sense to you. Take what you want, and leave the rest. 

Critical thinking is not a skill that is easy to come by. Can you hold more than one idea at once? Can you interrogate the things you believe that may be harming you and others? 

The Relationship Myth You May Still Believe (Plus a sexy invite to an erotic ball! ₊.⋆🎭₊˚⁺)

Let’s look at how bias is harmful to you and others: 

• Blanket assumptions about everyone are harmful: both for the person making the assumption, and the one being assumed about. 

• It is going to impact the advice you give. It taints the way you move through the world. 

• It will impact the people that you choose to love and be in relationship with. 

“All men cheat.”

No, they don’t. Some men, yes. All men? No.

“Everyone with a large dick will cheat.” 

Some people who have large penises will cheat. Sure. All of them though? No. We couldn’t assume that of everyone. 

These are harmful stereotypes that prevent people from exercising critical thinking.

Bias is harmful, for individuals and on a larger scale. Bias perpetuates harmful stereotypes that have the power to shape culture. These biases can lead to policies and social structures that treat people unfairly and reinforce inequality. 

Do you see how, if left unchecked, how harmful bias can become? 

Next time you catch yourself relying on a stereotype, take a moment to pause.

• Spot your bias. Recognizing it is the first step.

• Get curious about where it came from.

• Exercise some critical thinking.

• Ask yourself: Where is this bias coming from?

• What would happen if I tried to see things differently?

Or don’t. And we will continue to build walls that keep “dangerous people” out (and ignore the dangerous people within) and separate, imprison and deport families of immigrants — without considering who is going to harvest the crops that will die on the vines and inevitably drive up the price of produce for the entire country. How is that good for anyone?

It’s up to us. Let’s change the conversation — together.

Sex and Style is written by Certified Somatic Sex and Relationship Coach and Wardrobe Stylist, Sarah Ward. She has spent the last 20 years studying human sexuality and has certifying in the VITA™ Methodology with Layla Martin and as an Erotic Blueprints™ Coach with Jaiya. For personalized support, schedule a free discovery call with Sarah.

I would love to hear your thoughts and what this brought up for you. Please add your voice to the conversation by leaving a comment below.